Directed by Andrew Gernhard
While we’re recovering from the mindfuck that was Backrooms Bigfoot, we may as well kick off Day 2 with a movie that might not be as insane on a production level, but is just as insane in its execution, Assault of the Sasquatch. Unlike Backrooms Bigfoot, this isn’t an AI nightmare, a cash grab, or some kind of scam, this appears to simply be a wholesome movie about a Sasquatch who commits some kind of assault. Seems nice and to the point, so let’s take a look at this Sasquatch and whatever kind of assault he commits.
While on patrol in a state park, two rangers stumble across a poacher who, unbeknownst to them, has captured the legendary cryptid Bigfoot, with the intention of selling him off to a man who is equally wealthy and eccentric. The poacher is arrested and his truck is impounded, but soon after the poacher is booked, Bigfoot wakes up; and he is not happy. Bigfoot’s rage leads him to siege the police station, which has coincidentally been emptied of most gear and personnel due to this station’s imminent shutdown. Not knowing exactly what is happening, the rangers, the remaining cops, and a few other civilians find themselves right in the crosshairs of the mythic beast.
Alright, that plot doesn’t sound too bad. B-movie level but not bad, especially because it feels like a riff on Assault on Precinct 13, except Bigfoot is there, which usually makes movies better anyway. The problem with Assault on Sasquatch isn’t the story, the problem is how the story is told because so many plot elements emerge and are resolved in nonsensical ways that I’m still not entirely sure if I understand the whole story.
Getting the big stuff out of the way, in an opening scene we hear a news report about a chemical spill in the area requiring evacuations of civilians and non-essential personnel. That’s clever for a movie with this budget because it instantly explains why everything happens at this one location and no one else is there: because they’re all evacuated! The problem with this is that the chemical spill plot point is never followed up on and we see tons of people milling around, eating pizza, and hunting Bigfoot. Why even bring up the chemical spill if it doesn’t matter, never gets referenced again, and actively contradicts the rest of the movie?
This is part of a bigger problem, Assault of the Sasquatch is a very Tell heavy movie, when it really needed to lean more into showing. There’s a subplot with one of the Rangers about how his wife was murdered and now he’s having mental issues(maybe?) and he is overprotective of his daughter, but we literally never see an example of him having any mental issues, beyond the fact that he takes some nondescript pills, and he is never overbearing towards his daughter, even when a Sasquatch is attacking. Hell, when the Sasquatch grabs his daughter and drags her away (yeah, Sasquatch has some sus vibes in this movie) he doesn’t go after her! Someone else does! He doesn’t even emote while this is happening!
What this all really boils down to is the directors love for set ups and pay offs. The problem is, his payoffs never have setups and his setups never pay off! Characters are setup to have subplots and then are immediately killed, other characters introduce clear Chekhov’s guns and then those are immediately discarded, there’s one sequence where two characters have an emotional dialogue about one of the park rangers being in denial about his wife being murdered – while we never see him being in denial! My brain is so used to seeing clear setups and payoffs, a basic building block of story telling, that seeing a movie so completely disregard it feels strange and uncomfortable. And don’t even get me started on how inconsistent Bigfoot’s strength and intelligence are, that shit varies scene by scene.
This is such a bizarre series of events that it makes the movie fascinating in ways that were never intended. I’m not sure if I would call this a so-good-its-bad movie, but it kept me in suspense the whole time waiting for the next weird thing, so I guess it might be? It’s such a weird movie and if you’re into really strange movies then maybe this one is for you.