After killer Santas, killer guys dressed like Santa, killer aliens fought by Santa, and all things in between, we have the final boss of Christmas horror weirdness, the hands down dumbest Christmas monster I have ever witnessed, a killer Christmas tree. An early work from the acclaimed director of Winnie the Pooh Blood and Honey, The Killing Tree confronts the viewers with an idea so insane that it demands viewing, if only just so you can confirm it is real. I’ve confirmed it’s real, so now let me lay this all out for you.

A year after serial killer/spree killers targeted her family because they didn’t believe in family and Christmas spirit enough, Faith is still quite bummed. Even though her friends and hangers on are having a wild party downstairs, Faith is unable to move on, but so is the widow of the man who killed her parents. Using dark magic and a plastic Christmas tree, this widow casts a spell to bind her dead husband’s soul to the tree, creating a horrible fusion of man and Christmas tree. With murder on the mind, the tree heads off to kill Faith, who he blames for his capture and execution.

If you’ve seen Winnie the Pooh Blood and Honey, firstly, I’m sorry, but secondly, this movie actually came out before Blood and Honey and is somewhat more competent, as if the director peaked here and then crashed into the Pooh-niverse when he had no other ideas. That’s not to say this is good, because it’s quite awful, but it never reaches the depths of horror that his style would later plunge to.

There’s a level of sloppiness here that I almost respect, one that transcends each individual element; the writing, dialogue, visuals, even the ending, these are all so out there and poorly executed that it seems intentional. During the spellcasting scene, the tree is draped over a magic symbol that is clearly a Star of David, not a pentagram like you would think, and when the widow sprinkles the ashes of her cremated husband it is clear that she’s dropping dirt, which is a bizarre substitute for ash, one of the easiest to make substances around. These happen 30 seconds apart in the same sequence, and most of the movie is just as carefully put together.

If I had to pinpoint one thing about this movie that hurts more than any others, it’s the dialogue. If something here is worth saying then it’s worth repeating five times. Endlessly redundant, usually nonsensical, and pointlessly cruel, this cast is trying to make some of the most awkward dialogue work, and they are unfortunately not up for the task. While Faith is sad that her parents are dead, her friends are more concerned about trying to convince her to enter sex work, badmouth each other, and discuss relationship issues between characters we know nothing about. It’s tiresome.

You know there has to be a ton of violence in a movie with this premise and The Killing Tree does not disappoint. While the absurdity of the other parts of the movie can frustrate, the violence is damn near delightful, showing wacky tree murder after wacky tree murder, with sometimes better CGI than I expected. The tree is never scary, not even when he’s quoting iconic Bane lines word for word, but at this point it may have been too much to ask that any part of this be frightening.

To sum it all up, I loved The Killing Tree. If you’re looking for the ultimate terrible Christmas Slasher, you can’t get much weirder or dumber than this movie, and if you’re a bad movie enthusiast, you might need to see it. It is, of course, available on Tubi.

Thank you for joining me on this journey through these Christmas catastrophes. I had a lot of fun and I hope you did too. Before too long we’re getting back to the normal routine and I’ll be starting with Nosferatu, which I’ve been very excited for. Until then, have a Merry Christmas, a Happy Hanukah, and a good day.