Star Paws
Well here it is. I have made it my goal to watch the weirdest, the strangest, and the most shocking Dog movies out there this summer. We haven’t quite gotten to the mindmelting stuff yet, don’t worry it’s coming, so I wanted to share a dog movie from our favorite purveyor of random bits of scraps arranged in the shape of films, Evan Tramel! I’m probably the only person on Earth who knows Evan Tramel by name so let me refresh your memory by linking to two of his past films, A Frozen Christmas, and The Grump Who Stole Christmas.
Buckle up. We’re in for a bumpy ride.
On a ship somewhere in space, our villain, Captain Adventure Cat (who has a name much more suited to a hero than a villain) is announcing to his army of clones (so they can reuse the same terrible CGI cat model for all these characters) that they are on a mission to retrieve the most delicious and powerful bone that would allow whoever wields it to rule the galaxy. Also, it’s apparently very tasty. I’m not sure how those two things are related but it is very handy to have a galaxy conquering weapon(?) also double as a post conquering snack.
To oppose Captain Adventure Cat, the BIA (no the acronym is never explained) assigns General Ruff (GET IT?) to find a way to grab this powerful bone before Adventure Cat does. Ruff, in turn, hires Dr. “Whatever fucking dog pun they decided to go with” and his assistant Agent Shortstack to locate the bone before Captain Adventure Cat has the chance. Before I go any further I want to play the same game that we did during the Sherlock Bones review. What do YOU think is going to happen in this movie? Is this a space adventure where Dr. Bark (or whatever the hell his name is) searches through ancient ruins and derelict ships searching for clues while avoiding Captain Adventure Cat? Maybe it will be a big space battle thing where there are tons of terrible CGI dogfights and explosions! The problem with those guesses is that they rely on things happening, and for an Evan Tramel movie that is wishful thinking.
I Eventually Reveal What The Plot Is.
Wait, you ask filled with curious optimism that years of watching terrible dog movies has snuffed from me, if those things don’t happen, then what does? Well, let me explain the true plot of Star Paws. After a quick flashback where Dr. Dumb dog pun reveals that he has had previous battles with Captain Adventure Cat, and thought the villainous Cat was dead after their last battle, a big dumb CGI spaceship dogfight (which is the only bit of action or space adventure we get in the movie). But we see Captain Adventure Cat alive before we even meet Dr. Dogtor so what’s the point of that reveal? Anyway, the real plot is that the dogs must go back in time to find the bone intact and at full power.
Wait, Why WASN’T There A Labrador As A Lab Assistant? Missed Joke!
To discover the secrets of time travel the dognamic duo of the doctor and Shortstack perform a series of (painfully dull) exciting laboratory tests. Credit where credit is due, there is one thing I like about this sequence, and that is the set design. There’s a really cute elementary school play/ Calvin and Hobbes vibe to the whole thing where the time machine is clearly just a cardboard box covered in tinfoil and various knobs. It was kind of charming and I enjoyed that visual design. Now that the positives are done with, let’s get back to (my neverending nightmare) Star Paws.
And Now For Something Completely Different.
This time machine doesn’t work (because the movie isn’t long enough yet) so our heroes need to find someone who knows the secrets of time travel. Naturally, they go to find a scientist chicken. So I want to be very clear about something. These dogs and cats, they seem to live on space stations. They are technologically advanced beings. They go to find a reclusive scientist chicken. Where does she live? A secret lab? A derelict space station? In a building? No. She is on a farm. Just a regular farm that the people who were shooting this had access to. Because we needed about 10 minutes of farm footage to help pad this movie out. Can you imagine if other movies did this? Like if in Citizen Kane there was a scene where Kane just pets goats on a farm and then we cut back to the plot. Come to think of it, maybe that is in Citizen Kane…never saw it myself…
All Our Problems Are Solved, Right?
We’re at about halfway through the film now. Our heroes have a working time machine and are about to head back to prehistoric times to find the bone. So the second half is where the adventure is, right? Wrong. The second half of the movie is just Agent Shortstack getting told dinosaur factoids by Dr. Dubious Dogree. That’s it. They just go between a dozen dinosaur herds and talk about them. I can’t quite say for sure what I was expecting this adventure to look like, but I know I wasn’t expecting a shift to dino edutainment.
Briefly I need to talk about the image above this text. This was not a graphical glitch. This is not a between frames trick capture. This shot holds for a good 3 or 4 seconds. They thought this was okay. I can’t.
I Have Long Given Up On Deciphering This.
I can’t say I’m shocked that a weird thing popped up. Earlier I completely glossed over a scene that told me everything I needed to know about the artistic integrity of Star Paws. On one of their trips back to the past, Shortstack and Dogtor somehow wind up on a ‘Civil War battlefield’ and I am fairly certain the reason this is in the movie is that a local reenactment group was having an event that weekend and the production team thought that would be great padding. That’s fine, but the OPENING SHOT OF THE MOVIE is text saying A Long Time Ago In A Place Far Away. So isn’t this already in the past? How did they end up going to the future to see the American Civil War if they were headed in the exact opposite temporal direction? Maybe I’m thinking too hard about this.
Oh No, Conflict! Wait, We Have A Time Machine…
Speaking of time travel problems, Captain Adventure Cat (who somehow built his own time machine and got to the prehistoric times first) has snuck in, found the bone, and stolen it before our heroes can get there! How horrible for that all to happen offscreen. All hope seems lost. But at this very moment, our heroes remember where they draw their strength from. No, not the hopes and dreams of all dogkind. No, not the collective good of the universe. No, not even the tasty bones. They draw their strength from a deus ex machina time machine. So they just go back in time to before Captain Adventure Cat got the bone and take it for themselves. Wow. Real dramatic finish there. Way to tie the whole movie together.
Do you think I would have told you my plan if there was any possibility you could affect its outcome? I defeated Captain Adventure Cat 13 minutes ago.
Loose Ends.
Now that everything is over you may have a few questions. Why is this called Star Paws if there are never any plots/characters/visuals that even resemble Star Wars? Why are the dogs live-action and the cats CGI? Why are the dogs on the cover CGI if the dogs in the film are not? Why are there so many dinosaurs? Those are all really good questions. See you next week!
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