Pup Star: Better 2Gether

Directed by Robert Vince

Viewed on Netflix

 

Last week I reviewed the movie Pup Star, a vomit inducing charming film about a young Yorkie who entered a singing competition and traveled around the country doing nothing. This film was so unexpectedly horrible that as soon as I finished it, I knew that I had to see the sequel. There were so many stupid moments, so many inconsequential plot points, so many utterly pointless characters that I HAD to know how they were going to top that. Well, let me tell you, good readers, somehow someway they succeeded. And now their success has birthed a film that is somehow even worse than Pup Star. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Pup Star: Better 2Gether, a movie so bad that they managed to fit a terrible joke into the title itself. You don’t even have to see the movie to be harmed by it, you just have to be aware of it. That is an accomplishment.

Music Videos and Music Industry Garbage.

You know what is even more of an accomplishment? Padding your slightly over 90 minute movie by beginning with a three minute music video showcasing Tiny’s average beautiful singing and whatever props they had laying around in the warehouse that Air Bud Entertainment owns. Included in the music video, is a montage of all the magazine covers that Tiny is on and all the social media posts about how great Tiny is and all the sycophantic bullshit that makes the music industry absolutely insufferable. This is capped off by having Tiny make an appearance on the…ugh…Jimmy Kibble Show.

 

You lasted three minutes without making a pun. I hope you writers are proud.

Tiny’s Never Before Mentioned Tragic Backstory.

On this talk show they briefly fawn over Tiny and then continue with a quiz show where Tiny and her number one fan, Heidi, compete to see who knows more about Tiny, Tiny herself or Heidi? During this quiz we learn Tiny’s tragic backstory, which she didn’t have in the first movie so I guess they decided she need one, which is that she was an orphan who was adopted by Lou’s dad. The real question here is why a talk show would have a question about Tiny’s family when she doesn’t have any? Wouldn’t they have ran this question by Tiny’s people? Or was this all just a PR stunt to make everyone even more sympathetic to Tiny by bringing up her humble beginnings? What a slimy industry…

Time For This World To Make Even Less Sense!

But enough about that! We quickly cut to Brooklyn and see a small Yorkie, with a grating “Brooklyn” accent, barreling down streets and alleys to get to the Bark Easy, a bar ran by Kano, Roland and Bark who I guess aren’t in prison for some reason, even though they broke many many laws and had numerous witnesses to them doing this. Maybe it got tied up in the courts. Anyway, so the Yorkie gets there and there’s a cat…singing. How can this cat sing??? This cat, named Catty Purry by the way, is singing to a group of dogs and humans and I have no idea whether or not they understand what she is saying or if just the dogs do or if the writers have completely forgotten that the only reason the dogs can talk is that they ate special dog treats? Do the cats have special cat treats? Or is she just meowing into a mic and that’s why they hate her? Quick side note, later in the movie it is confirmed that humans do understand cats. They never explain how.

 

Also Kitty Purry is clearly the superior pun.

The Harsh Realities of Pup Star 2.

This is just a distraction though because the real plot is about a rapping dog, named Scrappy, who bears a striking resemblance to Tiny. Bark is furious and trying to get revenge on Tiny, even though it was Charlie who ruined his gig and who he should really be mad at, so he quickly concocts a master plan to dognap Tiny and replace her with Scrappy. A plan that…isn’t the worst considering that no law enforcement or punishment for any crime committed against a dog exists in this world. Just keep trying until one of your schemes works! Scrappy isn’t super into this plan, but is convinced to go along with it after her cardboard box home is destroyed by a garbage collector dog who mocks her for being an orphan.

 

A little harsh for a kid’s movie but I guess they have to learn about orphan mocking somehow.

Some Dogs Just Want To Watch The World Burn.

With her home destroyed and spirit crushed, Tiny returns and agrees to team up with Bark/Kano/Roland and impersonate Tiny for fame and….wait, what do those three have to gain by doing this? Is the plan to have Scrappy take all the money that Tiny is getting? Does that go to her or her family? No, they never say why, because they are doing this just to be jerks to Tiny and so that this movie can have some sort of plot. To finish the illusion they bring in a fancy French Poodle, with the requisite French accent, to give Scrappy a makeover in a montage that is totally not just here to kill some time.

 

 Before

After! The illusion is complete!

The Dastardly And Ill Defined Plan Commences!

Now that everything is ready they go to a Pup Star red carpet event, because no other music companies exist in this world, and set things into motion by releasing a skunk to spray the crowd. And no, they don’t say if the skunk can talk and I’m not even getting into that. I assume the skunk is just a patsy, not a co-conspirator. So the skunk sprays and there is absolute chaos, which Roland, the skunk releaser, takes advantage of by tricking Tiny into believing he was going to take her to her manager and then just dognapping her. Again. Because we have a minimum quota of 1 dognapping per movie and no one’s been dognapped yet so, sorry Tiny!

 

Who Could See Through The Lies of this Man?

The Plan Immediately Fails But Everyone Is Too Dumb To Realize It.

Once Tiny is gone and Scrappy takes the stage we get to the bulk of our film, Scrappy pretending to be Tiny and everyone around her being so stupid that they don’t realize that “Tiny” now doesn’t know anything that she should know and she occasionally raps and connect those dots. In her very first scene when “Tiny” goes to replicate the music video from the beginning of the video she completely flubs the choreography and begins to rap in her “Brooklyn” accent. None of this is enough to tip off anyone, they just assume “Tiny” is stressed from her new career and send her back to Chicago to see her family, who she apparently hasn’t been in contact with since she won Pup Star! Wasn’t the song that she won with about the importance of family? I guess family isn’t more important than being on Pup Star, which is the highest honor any dog can achieve in this universe.

 

We’re Your Family Now Tiny.

Human Or Dog, No One Can Catch On To What Is Happening.

While Scrappy is living it up in Chicago, Tiny is held at the Bark-Easy, trapped and formulating her escape plan. Once she makes this daring escape, which mostly consists of her just running as soon as the door to the room she is in is opened, she finds herself on the streets getting attacked by vicious gangs of cats out for blood, Scrappy’s blood specifically. But Tiny is saved at the last moment by Scrappy’s old friends, the rapping street dogs. Because I wanted to see more of them! Scrappy is with Tiny’s family and wacky shenanigans ensue because Scrappy doesn’t know anything that Tiny would know, like her birthday, and because Scrappy has strong opinions on authentic rap music, which, coming from a rapping Yorkie with the worst Brooklyn accent I’ve heard in years, almost makes my head explode from these weaponized levels of irony. At the same time, Tiny is with Scrappy’s old posse who seem to not notice or care about the fact that Tiny doesn’t speak the same way as Scrappy or that she hesitates during a rap battle, but don’t worry Tiny picks up rapping very quickly, as anyone would do in that situation. No, both groups are completely unaware of the fact that their respective Yorkies are acting strangely, except for Ida, the nanny in Chicago, who believes that Tiny has been possessed. Which is dumb but an exorcism would have really livened this movie up!

 

THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU, SCRAPPY!

Drama? What’s That?

So this plot, the plot that has nothing happen in it, takes up the middle HOUR of Pup Star 2. I didn’t think I was going to see a movie with less plot than Pup Star, at least not so soon! Eventually, Tiny comes clean with the street dogs and they momentarily turn on her before immediately realizing that what happened wasn’t her fault and they like her anyway, because all drama has to be solved seconds after it arises! Then they rush off to find Scrappy, but because this happens like 50 minutes into the film this, of course, has to have 20 minutes of filler happen afterwards so we can hit feature length reveal that Tiny and Scrappy are sisters, but they just don’t remember!

The Lockets Are Key! Wait, Lockets?

Tiny must confront Scrappy with this information on stage at the Pup Star show, because this was all totally just a ratings grab, while there Tiny has Lou come up on stage and put their lockets together. Wait wait wait. Lockets? When did Tiny get a locket? Did she always have a locket? Was this ever brought up before? I was so confused I thought I had just missed a line of dialogue, but no, no one ever mentions them and I even went back to the first movie and she never has one in that either. She just has this locket at the start of this film and it is never mentioned as being important or explained as to why she didn’t have it in the first movie. I know writing is hard but come on man, at least try and establish the thing that will be important later!

 

These lockets are the most important part of the Pup Star Cinematic Universe.

Time For Some More Padding Singing!

The two have a cheerful reunion and Scrappy apologizes to Tiny for what she did and was a part of. Which is nice. Then Tiny apologizes to Scrappy for being adopted when she wasn’t. Which is weird. I guess Tiny didn’t realize she had to have that survivor’s guilt so she’s just feeling it all at once now? Then Lou title drops by saying everyone is “better together” and everyone lives happily ever after! ….right? NO. THERE ARE TEN MORE MINUTES LEFT. BECAUSE TINY STILL HAS TO DEFEND THE PUP STAR CHAMPIONSHIP. Also Kano and Roland flee the scene before the “canine cops” show up but that’s not important because dog singing. Tiny and Scrappy win because of course they win and the only consolation I get is that there is a five minute credit sequence.

Grim Resignation.

Man these movies are the most draining dog movies I have ever seen. Probably at least partially because I don’t care at all about singing competition shows, so a universe in which that is all anyone cares about just seems like my personal hell. I don’t know if I would call this series the worst series of dog movies I’ve seen, they’re certainly technically better than many other movies I’ve talked about, but it might be the most creatively bankrupt series. These movies are a chore and I could not recommend avoiding them enough, there is nothing to be gained by watching them, even if they are on a streaming service that most everyone has. But now that I’m two deep, I think I have to just bite the bullet and finish them. Every cell of my body is fighting me as I type this, but I have to watch Pup Star World Tour.

 

 

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