Pup Star 3: World Tour

Directed by Robert Vince

Viewed on Netflix

 

Gather round and rejoice, my friends, because we have finally gotten to the last movie in the Pup Star franchise! Tiny and her canine friends have brought us with them on such a magnificent journey, from the cozy suburbs of Chicago to the mean streets of Brooklyn. Now they threaten promise to bring us with them on an even more exciting adventure! An adventure that defies all borders and will definitely be completely culturally sensitive to every place that we visit. Seriously though, these Pup Star movies have been this completely out of nowhere journey into a world where dogs talk and nothing really makes sense and I am a little sad to see the series finished. Pup Star movies are an annual event thus far though, so maybe next year we’ll meet back up with Tiny and her crew. But that’s then and this is now, so let us get into Pup Star 3: World Tour!

Pup Star 3 begins, as per usual, with a dog song to start us off and pad this out nice and easy. But there’s something a bit unique going on here because instead of a boring live action music video we have a neat little animated song and dance number featuring Tiny and three as of yet unknown dogs from different countries. Maybe this is the Stockholm Syndrome talking but this intro actually isn’t that bad, I like the simple animation style and it is really gratifying to see a dog dance sequence that has some actual choreography and isn’t just a dog shuffling left and right like they just forgot what they were supposed to do. That good feeling doesn’t last long though, because soon we’re back with our best pal, Jimmy Kibble.

 

Oh animated Pup Star, you could have been acceptable.

 

On the Jimmy Kibble show they have an amazing announcement, that Tiny is going to be the newest Pup Star judge! And that…wait a second, why isn’t Big Ears a judge anymore? He was around for one day! No one ever mentions him throughout the entire movie, was he removed from office? Was there some sort of scandal? Well I hope you like mysteries, because no one will ever know unless he gets mentioned in Pup Star 4, which may or may not exist someday. Getting back on track, Tiny says that she decided to step away from being Pup Star champion and into the role of judge so that other dogs around the world have a chance at winning. Which the studio audience all goes ‘awww’ at but that sounds like a pretty big humblebrag. Tiny just said that she is better at singing than EVERY OTHER DOG ON EARTH. And the only way to make room for new blood is for her to step down. Jesus Tiny, fame really did go to your head.

 

Undisputed best singer in this dimension.

 

So the actual reason they all are there is to reveal the newest Pup Star incarnation, Pup Star World Tour! For this latest season of Pup Star the judges will fly across the world to all the Pup Star stadiums, that already exist in these countries for reasons unexplained, in search of Pup Stars from around the globe! Well they say all around the globe but what they really mean is they’re going to India, China, Africa and Mexico. Which isn’t really around the world considering that this is only 2 countries in Asia, another country in North America and I guess the entire continent of Africa only gets one Pup Star! What kind of crap is that? North America gets 2, while America itself had dozens of competitors, Asia gets 2 but Africa only gets one? I’m not accusing Pup Star of racism but this favoritism seems a bit obvious. While en route to these exotic locations and the performances to be viewed therein, we cut to the real stars of this movie, Roland, Kano and Bark!

 

Cut to a canine correctional facility which Roland is the warden of, while being dressed like a general from a third world country, giving a tour to a woman we haven’t been introduced to yet. He shows her around this prison, seeing the worst that dogkind has to offer and the therapies that they use to correct these dogs, like watching the movie Air Bud. Normally I would take this opportunity to say that you should never show/reference a good movie in the middle of your bad movie, but Pup Star 3 is pretty okay so far so this gets a pass from me. They eventually get to the worst dog criminal of them all, Bark. You might be wondering, haven’t dogs done other things that are worse than dognappings and attempting to defraud Pup Star? The answer is no, crimes against Pup Star are crimes against the state and are punished thusly.

 

SCHNELL HUND!

Things get even more confusing when the woman declares that she is really here to ask about “where all of the taxpayers’ money has gone.” This seems to indicate she’s either an investigative journalist or just a government accountant doing an audit. But we don’t know which, or why she was even investigating this particular facility in the first place. She’s of course right, this is all a big scam set up by Bark/Kano/Roland, but how does she know that? She is finally escorted out and the big reveal happens, this facility is all a front to keep Bark out of real dog jail and so he can get back at Tiny once and for all! But enough about evil plots, we have to get back to the singing!

 

So we start in India where the dog Raji sings about his days as a slumdog, GET IT???, and how music kept his spirit up during his time in prison. This song so touches the hearts of the judges that…Growl hits his paw button and that is a good thing now? Simon Growl claimed Raji? Is that how this works? They never explained the rules! Why do they never explain the rules!?! As far as I can tell, the rules are that each of the judges has to pick a singer and then at the end the singers compete against each other? Why have the judges pick anyone? If they all just came to Pup Stars main stadium wouldn’t they just compete against each other anyway? Well, there is a reason they pick each competitor but we’ll get into that in a little bit because it relates to  a completely different plot line.

 

So after India they go to Africa, where they at least name the country the stadium is in as Nigeria, and the dog Mobo sings a heartfelt song about how wonderful African wildlife is, which wins him the approval of Dog Gnarley, which let’s be honest, was kind of a given considering that Dog Gnarley is confirmed to be Rastafarian and referred to Africa as “ the promised land.” This all leads me to one really uncomfortable question but I’m gonna ask it anyway, do black dogs claim to identify with the struggles of black people, or is this all just pure aesthetic? I am so curious because it is never clearly established WHEN dogs got the ability to talk or what has happened since then socially. Does anyone find that offensive in this world and is that considered cultural appropriation? Man, I am really overthinking this movie about singing dogs.

 

I think it’s best to stop discussing this, for my own sanity at least.

 

And finally Lady Paw Paw chooses Ming as her champion. Nothing interesting happens during this sequence except one of the extras is visibly frowning while clapping after her performance.

 

I know that feel, lady, I know that feel.

 

But while the judges have been hopping around and listening to these dog singers, our trio of villains have been doing their own global expedition. Sneaking around the world, Roland and Kano secretly dognapped all the family members of the judges they could find. They dognapped Dog Gnarley’s pups, Lady Paw Paw’s mom, and Simon Growl’s father. Each of these dognappings was accompanied by a ridiculous accent/costume but the best one of those scenes was the one with Grandpa Growl who was watching Pup Star in the pub while doublefisting pints of beer. Which I strongly identified with because I too needed large amounts of alcohol to get through the Pup Star series!

 

Grandpa Growl Knows How To Party.

 

So, that’s the plot right? Everyone has to work together to help get the families’ of the judges back while this world tour is supposed to be going on, right? Wrong. After this happens a completely different plotline happens that takes over the rest of the movie, and it involves the dog from Mexico, Julio. Julio is under the employ of Roland, for some reason, and is involved with Roland’s evil plan! This plan is for Julio to seduce Tiny and get her to pick him as her champion, even though that shouldn’t matter because there are no other competitors and she would have to pick him, and then I think the plan is for Bark to have all the other judges vote for Julio after holding their families hostage. Why Bark is using this to get Julio chosen to win is…unclear. The two may have some history but we never really find that out. So Julio sings, with Bark doing the actual singing because Julio is bad at it, which goes very well except for the terrifying dancing dog CGI that we are treated to.

 

Eccch.

Julio’s erotic CGI dancing continues while the camera zooms in on Tiny’s face to show her interest, which comes off very strangely because her face does not and cannot change because she is a dog. Regardless, Tiny picks Julio who instantly weasels his way into the home of Tiny & her Chicago family. Once there he enacts a dastardly plan which mostly just involves being a rude houseguest. A full half an hour is just dedicated to Julio being a jerk to Tiny’s agent/manager Shep, and the only thing that comes out of that is that Julio manages to get Shep fired, by Lou’s dad and not Tiny so I’m not even sure if that was a legit firing because I would assume Tiny is the one who hired him and not Steven, through a plan that really should not have worked at all. Bark and Julio conspire to get a photo of Julio kissing Tiny, to stoke rumors about them, I guess, so Julio had Shep take a picture of them at a fancy restaurant and it just so happened that Shep took this photo at the instant that Julio kissed Tiny. Roland then stole Shep’s phone and released the photo to the press. Julio spoke to Steven and blamed Shep for the photo getting released, claiming that he sold it to the tabloids. Shep maintains that Julio told him to take the picture, but Julio denies this. Its a solid plan except for the fact that Tiny was RIGHT NEXT TO JULIO and could easily verify the truth to Shep’s story. But because Steven is an idiot he believes Julio instantly and fires Shep. Why Bark wanted Shep out of the way is never addressed.

 

Sorry Shep, you were another casualty of dog music industry warfare.

 

This isn’t the whole plan though! Kano and Roland also set out to dognap Scrappy because apparently she is the defending Pup Star champion? Wasn’t that Tiny? Was there a time skip between movies? How much happened off screen? I know they did a duet together, but did that really mean they were dual champions? Because if so that is bullcrap and totally rigged the competition! And if Scrappy is really supposed to be as good as Tiny then doesn’t that mean that Tiny isn’t expecting any of the new challengers to beat her? I see your game, Tiny. I’m not impressed. So Roland and Kano dognap Scrappy while Roland gets involved in some hi-larious physical comedy. Roland’s pratfalls don’t stop Kano from grabbing Scrappy while P.U.P. watches from the shadows, using this opportunity to stow away in their truck.

 

Scrappy is imprisoned and P.U.P. is not far behind, quickly disguising himself as a guard…but still wearing his P.U.P. bling.

 

P.U.P., I know you have to represent but this is just not the time.

 

While this is happening several other plot lines are also going on, the final singing competition has begun, with all the contestants joining with the judge who sponsored them. I don’t know at all why they are singing as duets, especially when one of the judges (Simon Growl) is explicitly NOT a singer but hey, who cares at this point. As that is happening, Ida the nanny and Steven realize that Julio is up to no good and, using a canine correctional facility ID badge that Ida found among his things, surmise that the facility is somehow involved and sneak in disguised as special government accountants. As this is all happening, P.U.P. enters and hatches a clever plan: he gets into an insult match with Scrappy and initiates a Guard/Inmate rap battle.

 

Naturally the head guard dog has to beatbox. And this really begs the question, is this a common thing in prisons in this universe? Is there a well established culture of disputes between inmates and staff being settled via battle raps? Imagine how surreal it would be if this happened in other prison movies, if in the Shawshank Redemption everything was the same except all issues were settled by spitting sick rhymes. Damn, I really want to see that movie now. So, of course Scrappy comes out on top and the awesome magnitude of her rhyming opens every cage simultaneously for no reason whatsoever. Outside, Ida and Steven, incognito, are met by Roland, who leads them in to see the books, but they convince him to take them into the main prison block where it is revealed that Scrappy has convinced everyone to give up their evil ways through the awesome might of her battle rap.

 

I hear in the next movie that Scrappy’s raps will cure cancer.

 

Everyone breaks out of prison and quickly gets back to the Pup Star stadium, just in time to make sure that everything gets resolved with the least amount of dramatic tension. Bark and Julio are apprehended, not like that ever stopped anyone in this universe, but the host of Pup Star announces that due to all these shenanigans that no champion will be named this year, which is totally not just a ploy to keep Scrappy as the defending champ for one more year. Tiny seizes the moment to declare that everyone is there not to compete for the championship, even though that is totally what they are there to do, but to just sing and entertain everyone. Which is easy for Tiny/Scrappy to say because they both have cushy gigs with Pup Star and were not competing for a chance to dramatically improve their quality of life. But everyone instantly believes her and we get our final song. Which everyone sings together, so I guess they all practiced this as the closing ceremony?

 

This is one of the weirdest trilogies I have ever seen and I’m actually really happy that I was able to watch this. As bad as these movies are they are just endlessly fascinating, I had to leave out so many bizarre moments and weird plot points and even entire characters from these reviews just because these would all be dozens of pages long if I went really in depth with them. For that reason I actually really recommend watching these movies, just to see the spectacle for yourself and so you can understand how crazy this universe is. I have to say though, as far as the individual films go I would definitely rate this one as the best of the three. There were some jokes that worked here, and I enjoyed the first act of the movie, hell even the songs are better than the others. Now this is of course graded on a curve and the plot completely loses its mind in the second half but it didn’t hurt me nearly as much as Pup Star 2 did. I’m not really sure how I can even top this series…wait a second, next month is October. I know what I must do.

 

 

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