My Bloody Valentine 3D (2009)
Directed by Patrick Lussier
Viewed on Netflix
Summary: A fun and simple slasher movie that kind of loses its way in the third act, My Bloody Valentine 3D is a mostly successful but not too deep horror movie.
Today I’m bending the rules a little bit. My Bloody Valentine 3D is a remake of a film of the same name, minus the ‘3D’, from 1981, and I try to always watch the original before the remake but today I decided to do it in the opposite order for, well, no reason really. Just trying to shake things up occasionally. Going into this movie I knew very little, I can’t say I was terribly familiar with either version of the movie, and judging by the cover all I could tell was that this was a slasher film where the slasher was some sort of miner or was just wearing miner gear. So, with no expectations, it’s time to explore My Bloody Valentine 3D!
The Story!
My Bloody Valentine 3D starts sort of in media res with an intro detailing a horrible mining accident that resulted in 6 miners being trapped in a collapsed mine shaft. The only survivor was found unconscious and was learned to have survived by murdering the other miners so they wouldn’t breathe his air. What a dick. The actual film picks up some time later, with the survivor/murderer waking up in the hospital, only to immediately resume his murdering spree by killing everyone in the hospital. Who is this guy? Why is he killing people? A resounding ‘who cares!’ is our only answer. The murderminer returns to the tunnel he was trapped in to wreak more havoc on young adults partying there, only for the police to intervene. Also, don’t worry, this isn’t the whole plot, this is just the plot of the first fifteen minutes.
The Actual Story!
The actual movie is set ten years after the events of this prologue and follows one of the survivors of the original attack, who left town and has suddenly returned. This returning survivor, Tom, who is also the person who accidentally caused the collapse of the mine in the first place, came back to finalize a sale of the local mine, which his family owned. Faced with total economic collapse by the town’s main employer being shut down, the townsfolk are none too happy to see Tom, played by Jensen Ackles of Supernatural fame, and shun/confront him. As Tom tries to reconnect with his old girlfriend, who has gotten married and started a family in the intervening years, a killer in miner’s gear descends on the town, sparking fears that the original Valentine’s day murderminer has returned.
Even More Story, But Also Gore!
Okay so this sounds like a lot of plot but don’t worry, that’s only because this is one of those ‘whodunnit’ slashers that has a ton of setup. The entire mystery of the film is what the identity of this murderminer is and the plot is mainly the county sheriff trying to figure out who this killer is, as he doesn’t believe that the original killer could have returned. Tom is also trying to get to the bottom of this, while secretly wooing his old girlfriend who is now married to the sheriff, and he suspects that the sheriff is more involved in this case than he lets on. Again, this seems like a lot of story to throw at the viewer, but most of these plot points are established pretty quickly, and the opening fifteen or so minutes is a balls to the wall gorefest that establishes pretty early on what level of violence My Bloody Valentine 3D is okay with. And that amount is a lot.
Wonderful Heartwarming Violence.
There is so much violence in this movie, and so early on, that it warmed my heart. It is just very refreshing to see a movie that knows exactly what it wants to be, like an ultraviolent slasher whodunnit, and just go for it from scene one. There are, of course, many pickaxe murders, but don’t think that’s all this movie has to offer, as there are tons of fun and creative kills that I won’t spoil for you here but are just perfectly executed. What is so clever about this violence though is that it is near perfectly distributed throughout the length of the film. There’s a lot at the beginning just to let you know what’s coming and that serves quite well to break up the front-loaded info that you’re given, beyond that though, it seems that every time there was a bit of a lull in the story, a scene of the murderminer stalking and/or murdering was thrown in just to keep everyone on their toes and invested because you never know when that murderminer is gonna strike. It’s a good example of a filmmaker knowing when to use violence and how much, rather than just having it happen randomly, and I appreciate the care that went into that.
All Is Not Well In Murderminer Town.
At this point, we have a slasher movie with quality violence, decent pacing, an okay cast of characters, and a classic whodunnit setup. From all of this, it seems like My Bloody Valentine 3D should be, well, not an amazing movie, but a fun little slasher movie that knows what it wants to be and doesn’t try to go beyond that. Now, that isn’t a criticism, I don’t demand that every movie try and break the mold and blow my mind, sometimes it is okay for movies to just be entertaining and to be consumed as entertainment. And while the first two-thirds of the movie succeed in this regard, things start to go bad when we get into the last act. I’m not going to spoil the third act twist, maybe at the veeeery end of the review, but I am going to say that it disappointed me. I was really hoping some foreshadowing that I saw would not add up to a rather ignorant twist, but I wasn’t quite so lucky. It kind of soured the experience for me.
The 3D Is Funny, At Least!
I’m sure that not everyone would view the ending the same way as I do though, so I won’t completely condemn the movie because I wasn’t a fan of the ending. There is a lot to like in My Bloody Valentine 3D, even the goofy moments where pickaxes and such get thrust out towards the viewer in faux 3D. You could do better than this film, but you could also do a lot worse and even with the wonky ending I would still give this movie a bit of a recommendation for fans of the slasher movie genre. It may not be good for more general fans though, as the level of violence is pretty intense. I don’t think this is a movie that will convert people to the slasher genre.
Spoilers!
Shocking Mental Health Realization!
Okay, so the twist at the beginning of the third act is that Tom returned to the town after seven years of being in a mental institution, a fact that is treated with such shock and fear that I was almost laughing. Nevermind the fact that him being RELEASED from a mental facility means that they judged him to be suitable for reintegration into general society, the mere fact that he was in such a facility meant that he was clearly a dangerous individual, even though the vast majority of people who spend time in these institutions are not dangerous to others, but I digress. This is the ultimate proof that Tom himself is the killer, who imagined seeing the murderminer when the two were in the same shots and he is the one who is responsible for all the murders.
Sad But Not Surprised.
It is a dumb twist that doesn’t make any sense, and once other characters learn of his mental situation, Tom ceases to act like a rational person and just goes off the deep end, which is just sloppy writing meant to reinforce this bizarre stereotype that the writers tried to cram into the movie. I can’t be too angry at this twist, as the horror genre has a history of using mental illness as a scapegoat/coverall explanation, but I just wish they went any route other than this. It would have made the last act more sensical and not relied on a tired trope.
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