Moo Moo and the Three Witches

Directed by Tracy Wren

Viewed on Amazon Prime

 

I thought long and hard about what to review today, the most special day of the year, and I eventually decided that I needed to cover something particularly memorable and off the beaten path. I’ve featured all sorts of films on this site, movies about psychopathic killers, ghosts, cannibals, immortal talking dogs who’ve met Jesus, clowns, and I figure that now would be a good time to really bring us all back to our Halloween roots with a simple story about everyone’s favorite topic, witches! Three witches to be precise, who share the film with Moo Moo. What the hell is a Moo Moo? Why, it is this!

 

Boldly Going Where No Sloth Has Gone Before.

Now I know what you’re thinking, this is really uncharted territory. I usually cover terrible dog movies and now I’m trying to show you a terrible cat movie and just pretend that everything will be the same. But please, stay with me here and give me a chance to show you that terrible cat movies are just as worthy of mockery as terrible dog movies. At least this one is. So buckle up and get ready because this film is a real cat-tasrophe! Ha ha ha…..I promise not to make any more cat puns….

 

Time To Meet the Meanest Orphan on Earth.

We start off in the usual way with a nice opening credit sequence, not too long though because even the director knew that you couldn’t put a three minute opening sequence in a movie whose runtime is only seventy-seven minutes. Once that opener is done, we cut to Matilda, a mean orphan girl cutting up a sweater with a pair of scissors. And yes, I know it’s not nice to describe children like that, but don’t get mad at me, get mad at whoever wrote the summary for the Amazon page for this movie!

 

Jeez, tone it down a bit, Amazon.

 

 

The Genesis of the Terrible Dialogue.

Matilda is cutting up a sweater, for reasons, when she is interrupted by a young girl, Noel, who wants to play with Matilda. Matilda wants nothing to do with this kid and says as much. Well, she actually says, “Don’t think your weirdness and form of disability entertains me for one second.” You’re just going to have to get used to that sentence structure, everyone in the movie talks very strangely. I’ll point out some more lines when they come up.. But Noel persists, wanting to show Matilda something. In order to appease this odd child, Matilda agrees and Noel begins to float a small toy plane in a way that looks nothing like it is being lifted by a transparent wire.

 

Use The Force, Noel.

 

Magic = Cheating

Amazed by this display, Matilda exclaims, “Are you cheating?” Which is another really baffling sentence because how would she be cheating at this? It isn’t a game! How about, “How did you do that?” or “You’re trying to trick me!” or “What?!?” Any of those would have been more reasonable, but none of them would have sounded good considering the performances these kids are putting in. Regardless of her initial hesitancy, Matilda eventually declares the trick as “Very Cool,”

 

VERY COOL.

 

No Possible Reason This Orphan Could Be Upset.

Only for Noel’s mom to burst in and stop her, ashamed at the magical display her daughter is putting on. Noel is taken to a different room to be chastised for showing her witch heritage. Mom then goes to talk to Matilda, who is not thrilled with her life at this house. I am not surprised because, well, first off she’s an orphan and even though we never learn the exact circumstances of what happened I assume they can’t have been good and that shit is hard to shake off, and secondly, because everyone in the house is clearly keeping secrets from her and she probably feels alienated. But no, Matilda is just mean. That is it. She just needs to pull herself up by her bootstraps.

 

Confirmed for meanest orphan ever.

 

 

What’s The Return Policy on Orphans?

Things get even worse when Noel’s dad gets home (or he was already home, it is a little unclear) and he has a discussion with the mom, Phoebe, about how if Matilda can’t get her shit together and stop being mean, which admittedly she is, then they will have no choice but to un-foster her. Christ, dude, that’s a little harsh considering she’s an orphan you guys agreed to bring into your home. Did you think she would have no baggage at all from the multiple foster homes she’s been in? Or the whole, ‘being an orphan’ thing? And because everyone is kind of a jerk, Matilda then calls CPS and lies about how the family is mistreating her. Oh. Man Matilda, I was sticking up for you and now you’re gonna pull that shit? Way to make me look like an asshole.

 

Tarot & Bribes.

So in a different movie, a woman with a rather thick accent, or maybe it’s a speech impediment, is getting a tarot reading done with the goal of finding out whether or not the object of her affections returns her feelings. The tarot reader learns that this man is having marriage problems and issues with his kids. Now, I don’t know enough about tarot to contradict any of this, but it sounds wrong. She then wants to know if she can get the tarot reader to make this man fall in love with her which is a bit beyond the scope of reading some cards. The reader declines and the woman offers her a princely sum for her help, a few folded dollar bills, but somehow the reader manages to turn this down.

 

Who could turn down…one dollar?

 

 

Yeah Sure Magic, But The Cat!

Outraged by this the love seeker leaves and we quickly cut to a magic lesson being given to two young ladies. Their teacher talks about the recipe for magic dust being in the family for generations, yadda yadda yadda, it’s boring. BUT THEN WE SEE THE STAR OF OUR FILM.

MOO MOO.

 

The first time I’ve seen a cat look ashamed to be on-screen.

 

 

The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Orphans.

Moo Moo is very old. Older than “the three of us combined.” Why is this cat so old? What does that mean in the context of the movie? Don’t worry about it! It never comes up again! Then we quickly cut back to an uncomfortable family dinner, oh boy are those fun, where Noel is about to do some more magic but is interrupted by the arrival of a friendly CPS agent. The dad, Kevin, explains to the agent that Matilda “orchestrated this whole thing” (Jesus Kevin, she’s a sad scared kid not a bank robber) and CPS guy needs to talk to Matilda but don’t worry because this scene isn’t gonna be here long! We cut BACK to the magic teacher, Sabrina, doing some sort of magic stuff with the tarot reader, Felicity, while the two complain about the various hurdles they face like not wanting to be a fortune teller anymore and not being in love and not being able to pay the mortgage…..wait. What?

 

Money, Magic and Miscegenation.

Now, I’m no expert on how magic works in this setting, but couldn’t you try to use magic to pay the bills? I mean, maybe you can’t turn lead into gold but surely you could use magic for SOMETHING practical. Felicity suggests bringing in a new witch in the neighborhood to drum up business but Sabrina is aghast at the suggestion that they bring in someone “not of this blood,” saying that it will ruin it for everybody. I have no idea why any of this is though and it isn’t explained to us. I get this really weird elitist vibe from Sabrina, it hasn’t happened a ton yet but later on she is pretty clearly disapproving of non-magic humans and doesn’t even like witches that aren’t from her immediate family. I don’t get it. It’s like if your racist uncle was also a wizard.

 

Sabrina The Grand Witch

 

 

There’s Always a Witch Willing To Sell Magic Roofies.

While these two squabble, sinister plots are set in motion. The fortune seeker, Dorothy, buys a black magic potion from the new fortune teller in town which she plans to use to force the person who drinks it to fall in love with her! Why are there magic roofies in this movie? No wait, they’re worse! Roofies would wear off eventually, this is supposed to ensnare you for life! I can see why the fortune teller wants to sell it though, seeing that Dorothy raised her price from one dollar to twelve.

 

No Witch Could Resist the Allure of Twelve Dollars.

 

 

The Grim Reality of This Universe.

And while Dorothy gets this potion the young ladies who were being taught a lesson earlier decide that they need to make some magic roofie juice to find love for Felicity! Why does everyone’s plan involve using the dark arts to find love? Also their plan isn’t to find a good partner for her and roofie them, the plan is to roofie Felicity so she will ‘fall in love’ with the first person she sees afterward. I don’t think I have to explain all the ways that plan is horrible. Speaking of horrible we cut back to the main family where Kevin notices that Noel has magic and yells at his wife. He is mad that his only daughter has the magics and takes it out on his wife, threatening to TAKE AWAY THE DAUGHTER IF SHE STARTS USING MAGIC. Wow. I don’t say this very often, but Phoebe I think it is time for you to start thinking about filing for divorce. Doesn’t seem like Kevin is dealing with the situation well.

 

Husband Theft & Witch Supremacy.

Kevin walks outside to do something and gets accosted by the neighbor Dorothy, who is obsessed with him. Look Dorothy, I just saw Kevin threaten his own wife because of her ethnic background; you can do better. Somehow Dorothy gets him into her house by asking for his help with her supposedly leaky sink and then manages to ply him with orange juice that she slipped something into. It’s the potion, right? WRONG. It is just something that made him pass out! Why not slip him the magic roofie juice now?!? Concerned that her husband is now missing, Phoebe goes to her estranged family for help, but they don’t care. Also, Matilda is rude and Sabrina uses her magic to silence her. Look Sabrina. First of all you really aren’t supposed to discipline someone else’s kid. Second of all, you are a bully who thinks you can do whatever you want to people who aren’t magic. Third of all, if you’re so easy going about using your magic then why not use it to solve your money problems?!?!

 

I don’t remember hating a fictional character this much in a long time.

 

 

Mean Orphans Get Turned Into Cats Because This Is A Nightmare World.

You may be wondering something right now. Wasn’t the plot of this movie about a girl getting transformed into a cat? Well yeah, but we had to set up about a half dozen different plots beforehand for no reason at all. So Matilda is mean and the young ladies who whipped up the magic roofies make another pretty evil concoction, a potion that will change Matilda into an animal. Also the last time they tested it on something it immediately died but don’t worry they totally fixed it.

 

I think I’m starting to understand why people used to burn witches.

 

 

The Exact Point Where I Give Up Trying To Understand The Plot.

So Matilda drinks it and becomes a cat who looks like Moo Moo or is Moo Moo. I don’t really know which of those is true. The potion wasn’t a body swap potion, it was a transformation potion and Moo Moo presumably is still around somewhere. Okay, I’m done, I refuse to put more thought into this than they did. So Mootilda is reasonably upset about this situation and runs off. The kids tell Sabrina, who admonishes them for using this magic without thinking of the consequences. Which is pretty rich coming from Sabrina who has no problem using magic for her whims but whatever.

 

Cat Theft. Magic Jail. A Web of Lies.

To make matters even worse, Catilda has been catnapped by the evil fortune teller lady, oh no! Also Sabrina blames Matilda for this whole thing. Because Matilda is an evil orphan and her awful children are angels. Then they mention they have to get Matilda back to normal or they will go to jail. Is…magic a thing in this world? Are there just laws about magic? Do people know it exists? It’s so vague with the world building that I have no idea whether or not the fact that witches exist is common knowledge! But it’s fine because once Phoebe shows up they just lie and tell her everything is fine. Ah, family.

 

All Plot Points Converge And Then Quickly Diverge.

Mootilda is found and brought back home but they don’t have the ability to reverse the spell! They need to go steal it from the evil witch’s stash of books! And the CPS agent showed up because before she was transformed, Matilda told him that the house she was in now was full of witches! And Kevin is being held captive by Dorothy in her garage! And the prom’s tomorrow!!!

Okay, that last one isn’t real but all the others are. A ton of things start happening all at once but don’t worry, they will all quickly be resolved by committing crimes! But before we get to describing all these crimes let us break down the Kevin situation. He is held in Dorothy’s garage and tied up and she is trying to get him to drink the love potion. This may confuse you because earlier she slipped him another potion that made him pass out. That, apparently, was not the love potion, but an entirely different knockout potion. Why not just slip him the love potion then and there!?! So she tells him he has to drink it and then, to my surprise, he just does. There’s no trick, he doesn’t keep it in his mouth and pretend to drink it or even just spit it out. But he isn’t affected for some reason and just leaves when she unties him.

 

Everyone Continues Their Dickish Ways.

So Kevin figures out that everyone is back at the witch house and goes there. But when he arrives, presumably overjoyed to be out of the grasp of his captor, Sabrina slams the door in his face. Nice. So he knocks again, and then Phoebe slams the door in his face. I am just so tired of these characters at this point. So everyone at the house is mad at Kevin without letting him explain what happened or where he was, because they’re all terrible people you see.

But enough of that, we need to get into those crimes! So the CPS guy is given a drink,one poured from the jug that our adorable monstrous little witches spiked with love potion and I think you can see where this is going. He ends up “falling in love” with Felicity but they don’t know what to do with him so they shove him in a closet.

 

The little known 13th chapter of  R. Kelly’s Trapped in the Closet.

 

 

A Fun Revelation About How Much Our Witch Family Didn’t Care About Kevin.

So the kids run off to try and reverse the damage they did by sneaking into the evil witch’s home and stealing the magic tome that she has which can reverse the spell. No one notices they’re gone during the whole ‘Kevin just got here we must shun and judge him’ fiasco, but as soon as Sabrina and Felicity realize it they decide it is time to locate them with a scrying spell and….wait, WHAT?!?! YOU HAD SCRYING MAGIC THIS WHOLE TIME? Your sister/niece’s husband was missing and you throw up your hands and say ‘oh there’s nothing we can do’ but you have the power to magically determine people’s locations? What a bunch of dicks.

 

Oh Thank God Everything Is Getting Resolved.

Kevin goes to help the kids but runs into Dorothy at the evil witch’s home, who is there for some reason. This leads to a forced hilarious sequence where Kevin has to pretend to be in love with Dorothy to get her to leave him alone. But the evil witch arrives and lets Dorothy know that Kevin isn’t in love with her because the love potion she sold her was a fake. Why would the witch tell her this? Why is any of this happening? The movie is almost over so who cares, let’s just get to the end. Everyone ends up back at the nice less evil witch house and the climactic showdown occurs. All witches stand ready to engage in a final magical showdown…that ends with everyone realizing this was all a big misunderstanding and deciding to be friends. No, I’m not joking, that’s the end. Everyone just angrily compliments each other until they all realize that there isn’t any reason to be fighting. Yay. Oh, also the CPS agent and Felicity are now in a relationship, because magic roofies aren’t evil if they’re used to find a boyfriend. Oh, also Matilda is back to being a human and she is nice now. Because all these plot threads had to be resolved simultaneously. Hooray for the movie being over!

 

Somehow I Recommend This Movie.

Okay, so this was not what I expected. I understand that the summaries of the plots that I described were probably pretty confusing but that’s because there are just so many plot lines introduced here that should not have been anywhere near this movie. Hell, I barely mention the main plot of Matilda being turned into a cat because that’s barely IN the movie! The focus is always on another subplot and it is just maddening. It isn’t just plot that’s a problem though, the acting is horrendous, the sound is awful, mics are clipped several times and the sound gets really muffled occasionally, especially around the forty three minute mark. Also there are no special effects, all magic transformations are done by hard cutting to another creature being in the spot where the previous one was. For all these reasons though, I would one million percent recommend watching this movie. It has to be seen to be believed!