As the years go on, I realize more and more how I am no longer a hip youth, but an old and world-weary man, case in point being Elf on the Shelf, a holiday “tradition” that I had no knowledge of until it swarmed social media in the 2010s. I never paid much attention to it because I was way beyond being a child then and I don’t have children, so for me this was just a strange fad that I didn’t get. Unbeknownst to me, there was a media empire growing just out of my view, an expanded universe for the Elves on the Shelves where we learn all about the other creatures inhabiting the Elf on the Shelf world. Creatures you can, of course, buy.

In a little house in a picturesque neighborhood, a handsome nuclear family is setting up for Christmas when they find a picture book that belonged to their Great Grandmother, from the Old Country. When the father returns, he weaves a tale about how his grandmother was friends with tiny mythical reindeer, until she had to leave when the Soviet army invaded in 1939. Bit of a downer, because I hate to be the one to break it to these kids but the hungry Soviets definitely ate those tiny reindeer. 

Anyway, the Elves on the Shelves are watching this all unfold while they figure out how to fix Santa’s Sleigh, which is not working because, of course, no one believes in Christmas spirit anymore, even though we never see anyone be anything but hyped for the special day. After multiple failures from the various Head Elves, one of whom is a General which makes me very concerned that there’s some secret elf war happening offscreen, everyone figures out that they can use the Tiny Reindeer, who somehow ended up at the North Pole, to collect Christmas Magic and then beam that to Santa so his Sleigh can fly. This happens when children get Tiny Reindeer dolls and love and cherish them, which completely solves the problem and saves Christmas.

It isn’t the plot or production values that make this memorable for me, it’s a very middle of the road production on both fronts, but what really makes this a memorable special for me is how downright cynical it is. The solution to the problem of disappearing Christmas spirit is wrapped up in the introduction of the Reindeer dolls as well as dog dolls, dolls that are absolutely available to purchase, which save Christmas. Pretending that this special is meant as a family Christmas special and not a 30 minute toy commercial that you’re paying to watch is one of the most brilliant marketing schemes I’ve seen in a long time.

In a lot of ways this is kind of a nostalgic thing for me to witness. I remember being a kid and seeing GI Joe, Power Rangers, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, all these child friendly properties that existed more or less as full-length ads meant to sell toys first and be entertaining second. The fact that this is still happening, that new IP is being made for the sole purpose of selling toys while pretending there is a ‘message’, that’s weirdly comforting, like going back to your home town and seeing a huge burning garbage pit in the same place it’s always been. 

This was less of a review and more of a diatribe but hey, that’s showbiz. Come back tomorrow for a spooky Friday the 13th special Christmas horror review!