Doggie B (2013)
Directed/Written/Produced by Romanus Wolter
You’d think after what must be a few years of doing Dog Days of Summer reviews, I would know not to judge a movie by its poster. You’d be wrong. I avoided watching Doggie B since I began this series because I saw that poster up there and assumed this was some kind of dog music contest movie, and that it would be too similar to Pup Star, a movie series that I have covered most of. The amount of regret I have for doing that is insane because Doggie B is top tier dog nonsense. Not quite as good as movies like Quigley or Sox: A Family’s Best Friend, it’s too technically competent for that, but this story and these visuals are something that will stick with me, especially because Doggie B is not about music. It is about dancing with dogs, like this:
Let’s get started!
Our Dog Dancing Journey Begins Now.
Doggie B begins with a dog dancing competition, one that is suspiciously packed, but maybe this is just a big dog dancing town. We see a variety of dog dancing acts of various quality, some of which are more racially sensitive than others, but the main two ones that we’re supposed to be interested in feature a woman who is dressed in a costume that might be a little too bold even for a dog dancing competition, and her competitor, a man who dresses like a cross between Michael Jackson and a party magician. Strap in, because there are going to be a ton of pictures this week.
Get Ready To Be Traumatized, Kids!
The two teams are neck and neck in this competition when something happens that might make this movie a little less appropriate for family viewings. When team Doggie Boogie attempts his finishing maneuver with his partner, Gertrude pulls an incredibly old trick by taking out a compact and using it to temporarily blind him. A trick that works exceedingly well despite the fact that she’s shining a spotlight on the face of a man whom EVERYONE IS LOOKING AT AND IS OBVIOUSLY COMING FROM HER BECAUSE SHE IS AT RINGSIDE WITH A HUGE COMPACT, but that’s not what the problem is. This light shining on his face causes Doggie Boogie to lose his balance just as his dog jumps up…and crashes, horribly injuring himself. Yeah, the opening scene ends with a dog in medical distress. Having fun yet, kids?
Time For A Completely Different Plot Starring A Horrible Person!
Seemingly realizing that things got way too intense back there, we start an entirely different plot thread with new characters! Cassie’s mom wants her to follow in the (pretty cool) tradition of the women in their family going to a particular law school and being lawyers. Cassie doesn’t want to do that because she wants to “work with dogs”. What does that mean, Cassie? Do you want to be a groomer? A vet? A dog trainer? A dog daycare owner? A dog-walker? Those jobs all require way different skill sets and training, so maybe narrow this down a bit before you tell your Mom that the law school you apparently got into, which the movie treats like regular college for some reason, isn’t good enough. This important discussion is interrupted by Cassie’s dog, Pijo, fainting.
The Most Obvious Scam I’ve Ever Seen.
After a quick trip to the vet where that lovely trope of medical doctors not having any concerns beyond bodily health pops up, the vet confirms that there is physically nothing wrong with Pijo and that he has no clue what could possibly be wrong and asks no further questions and tells them to get out. But don’t worry folks, a lovely man posing as a veterinarian has all the answers you need. Don’t rely on stuffy internal medicine, instead, go to a new age clinic I’m affiliated with! (Red flag.) When Cassie eventually goes with him, the clinic workers instantly diagnose the problem and charge Cassie $4,500 to fix a problem she has no way of confirming is even real. (Red Flag!) After Cassie bargains them down by bribing them with her famous dog dancing Uncle, the one we met earlier, she still needs to pawn her jewelry to pay for the rest of the bill, so the workers bring her to their friend’s jewelry shop. (RED FLAG!) While there, the jeweler offers Cassie far less for her ring than she expected but is interested in buying Pijo’s bejeweled collar, which was the last thing her father left her before dying, and the new age clerk pressures her to do it. (A RED FLAG SO LARGE IT BLOCKS OUT THE SUN!)
Bills. Dogs. Pumpkin Puffs.
While Cassie is trying to solve Pijo’s problems, her Uncle is dealing with problems of his own. He was counting on the prize money from the earlier dog dancing competition because he is deeply in debt and his house/dance studio/dog dancing training school is in danger of being foreclosed on. Wait a second. A famous dog dancer with his own school can’t afford to pay his mortgage between student tuition, sponsorship deals, and any other revenue streams he could have like book deals or something? Jeez, Cassie’s mom was right, there is no money in this dog stuff. So Uncle sits around in his depression, lamenting the pain he has caused his dancing partner and stuffing himself with…pumpkin puffs?
Cassie’s Completely Non-Selfish Plan Which Only Benefits Her.
Now to get to where these stories intersect. Cassie sells the pendant, by the way, falling for the oldest trick in the New Age scammer’s book. The deal isn’t over though, as Cassie has to bring the New Age jerks to her Uncle’s house where they fawn over him like he’s the second coming. Here’s where the plot starts; Cassie wants her Uncle to teach her how to dog dance so she can help get him back on his feet financially, also she wants her Uncle to let her stay with him because her Mom believes she’s off at college/law school and she can’t just stop lying to her mother, so she has to be out of the house. Speaking of Cassie’s mom, she is currently having a mental breakdown because Cassie let her believe that Pijo ran away and now her mother is consumed with guilt.
Come To Think Of It, None Of These Plans Make Sense.
I didn’t realize until I started writing just how many plotlines there are in this movie because I’m not even done describing the premise yet! The evil lady who sabotaged dog dancing Uncle doesn’t stop there, she wants to stop him from getting money so his home/business gets foreclosed on because she wants Doggie Boogie to be gone forever, so she sends her nephew (who turns out to be her grandson) to infiltrate the class. No one ever brings up that even if he loses this house he could just get another studio and continue classes there. Maybe her hope is that this will be what finally pushes Uncle over the edge and he’ll kill himself. That’d at least be a memorable ending for a family-friendly dog movie!
Time To Introduce The Deep Dog Dancing Lore Of The Film.
It’s a little unclear what Gertrude’s evil plan actually is, she enrolls her nephew/grandson in the Doggie Boogie program, and then the nephew/grandson is supposed to spy on them I think? Unfortunately for Gertrude, a lifetime spent manipulating and ordering around her grandson/nephew has made him very susceptible to being manipulated and ordered around by Cassie, who learns that nephson is a terrible dog dancer, but a prodigy dog dancing teacher, because of his uncanny ability to draw basic diagrams of dog dancing techniques. Also, in a somewhat ironic twist, grandphew tells Cassie all about Gertrude’s ancestral dog dancing techniques, and the admittedly pretty cool book she keeps them in.
It’s Stylistically Designed To Be This Way.
I’ve talked a lot about the story so far, well, the three or four stories that make up this movie, but I don’t think I’ve properly conveyed just how bizarre visually this movie is. Everything is heightened, out there, and strange, particularly people’s wardrobe. At the beginning of the film, there were some strange costumes, but I figured those were just things people wore to dance in. But when people start showing up in different spots wearing these bizarre outfits, I got a bit curious. This style looked really familiar but I couldn’t put my finger on where I had seen it before. That is until I went to the director’s website to see if he had directed other dog movies and I saw several references to his work with drag shows. As soon as I realized this, I think I started to love this movie.
Time To Introduce The Child-Friendly Body Horror!
There’s something weirdly transgressive, but in a mostly child-friendly way, about Doggie B and this is so fascinating to me. I have had to leave 90% of the weird stuff out of this review just because of how much stuff is happening at all times on-screen. I’ll just finish up the story by talking about the most singularly bizarre moment of the whole film. There’s a final dance competition showdown, because of course there is, and Gertrude decides to reveal, for no reason, that she cheated at the beginning, which leads to her nephew revealing he is actually her grandson and that Gertrude used dogeroids on her dog to make him better at dancing. In the resulting scuffle, Getrude gets stabbed through the hand by the loaded syringe and transforms into a werewolf, then moments later she is grabbed by dog-catchers.
My Brain Is Starting To Break A Little Bit.
It’s so hard to even talk about this like it’s a straightforward movie because the further I get into it the more convinced I am that this is some kind of prank. Between the visuals, the pretty terrible lessons about how Cassie can lie, manipulate, and guilt her mother into getting exactly what she wants and that’s fine, and the sudden shifts into dark territory, this seems like a parody of a family film, or maybe a satire of the genre. At the beginning of the movie, I was dreading getting to know these characters more, but by the end, I was fixated, I had to know where this was going and what crazy thing was going to happen next. What also won me over is that the director/writer/producer seems like a cool person, I really like some of the choices he made, particularly at the end. There’s a big dog dancing competition and I’m pretty sure he got actual dog dancing teams to appear in the film and do their routines, and that is pretty neat. Also, there are more than 6 minutes of credits, partially because every single extra is credited by name, which is a really nice little gesture to all these people who helped make this movie.
Wait A Second, Did I Come Out Of A Dog Movie In A Good Mood???
Maybe it’s because I am so tired of sleazy gimmicks movies use to trick you to get you to watch them, but Doggie B is so genuine and charming. It’s a weird story about weird people told with weird visuals, and that’s why it works for me. If the visuals were standard dog movie stuff I don’t think I’d enjoy this movie at all, but there’s some creative energy here that kept me going. General audiences probably wouldn’t get much out of Doggie B, but if you’re in the mood for a truly strange dog movie to watch with some friends, then this is for you! I’m just sad that this is the only movie Romanus Wolter made, I’d love a sequel.
I own none of the images used herein. They belong to their respective copyright holders.
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