Chihuahua: The Movie (2010)

Directed by Michael Amundsen

Viewed on Amazon Prime

 

Summary: A woman gets her mind put into the body of a chihuahua so that a bunch of people, who are much worse than she is, can tell her how awful she is and that she needs to change. An actually pretty nice family gets caught in the middle of this magic bullshit.

THE MOST EPIC CHIHUAHUA RELATED TITLE

Chihuahua: The Movie. Now THAT is a title that promises a lot! This isn’t just a movie with chihuahuas in it or a movie that is about some chihuahuas, no, this is the definitive chihuahua movie. This is the last word on chihuahuas! I haven’t seen any other movies with chihuahuas in them so hopefully this will give me all the information I need and I won’t have to see another one of them! What is kind of weird is that there are almost half a dozen dog movies, that I can find, that are solely about chihuahuas. I never really looked into this before, but I assumed chihuahuas were never really that popular of a breed so why are there so many movies about them? Maybe they’re just capitalizing on the niche market…anyway, let us proceed with the ultimate chihuahua film!

 

A SUITABLY EPIC START

After we are treated to the standard lengthy opening credits sequence the movie cuts immediately to a youngish blonde woman wearing scrubs in a room being berated by an offscreen voice as to how she made a horrible mistake and that the patient could have died! The blonde screams out, “I DON’T CARE!” And then wakes up in her bed because it was all a dream! Good thing that dream sequence is over though, because now the real meat of the movie can begin, with that woman getting up, walking around the room, stretching and opening the blinds. It is a real action opener, just what I expected from this, the greatest of the  chihuahua movies.

 

ENTER THE CHIHUAHUA. ENTER THE TERRIBLE CHILD ACTORS.

But no time for stretching! Because we have to cut to breakfast with a completely different group of people, discussing what they will be doing today. There is a really funny joke where a mom is pouring food into bowls for her children and her….oh man, here she is, the star of the movie! BELLA THE CHIHUAHUA!! *cue air horn noises* So back to the joke. Mom pours froot loop knock off cereal into a bowl and then puts that bowl on the floor while she is still holding the bowl that has the dog food in it! And to top it off she says, “Bella, what am I thinking, you need dog food.” And then she puts the bowl of dog food on the ground! I was in stitches. Fortunately I was able to get my laughter under control so I could hear the gripping dialogue happening at the breakfast table. Bella is going to her final test to see if she can be a therapy dog and the kids want to give her their (dead) father’s war medal for good luck. I don’t want to be mean to these kids, but I have to say this. They make the kid actors from the ‘A Doggone…’ series look Shakespearean in comparison. They both deliver lines like they just woke up from a twenty year coma and their morphine is wearing off while they’re trying to relearn how to speak. But let’s not dwell on them too much, because it is time to see what blonde lady is like when she has breakfast!

 

Sondra Is So Terrible! But Not Worse Than This Lady’s Acting.

Blonde lady, who is named Sondra, is having breakfast with her boyfriend, Jordan, who she immediately gets upset with because he forgot that Sondra doesn’t take sugar in her coffee. Now this scene definitely is there to show that Sondra is a micromanager or whatever, but I’m gonna stand up for her here, because although Sondra was a bit rude about it, her boyfriend should probably know how Sondra takes her coffee, especially if this is what they do every morning. I won’t be sticking up for Sondra much in the movie though, because, well, you’ll see. So Sondra is then approached by an incredibly wooden actress who recognizes Sondra from when they were friends as young children! Sondra either doesn’t recognize her or pretends to not recognize her so this woman, Lina, says, “We were friends until you moved. Now why was that? Oh your parents, they divorced.” That is the actual line she says. Aside from being a horrible way to dump this exposition, it is incredibly insensitive, especially considering that the tone that Lina was using was the most dry, sarcastic and venomous way to say it. It might just be because she isn’t good at acting, but hot damn did it come across as mean. Sondra, reasonably perturbed by this, immediately excuses herself after hearing this and learning that she has an appointment she was not aware of.

 

Bella Has Some…Confusing Skills.

Sondra arrives at the office and sees Mom, Jeannie, is arriving at about the same time. Sondra immediately chastises Jeannie for being late again but Sondra arrived at the same time. Oh, the joys of being your own boss. So Sondra reams out Jeannie for not keeping her updated on scheduled appointments, which is kind of important, and then writes down in her notebook that she is planning to fire Jeannie. Cue collective audience gasp. So the woman here for Sondra’s unknown appointment arrives and she is accompanied by Sondra’s supposed childhood friend who quickly bonds with Jeannie over how adorable Jeannie’s chihuahua is. While talking about how cute and friendly Bella is Jeannie drops the strangest line I’ve heard in this film yet when speaking about Bella, “She has a knack for knowing people.” Since I have heard this line I have been trying to puzzle out what Jeannie meant. She didn’t say Bella knows people’s needs or Bella knows people’s deepest darkest secrets, just that Bella has a knack for knowing people. I just have no idea why that line wasn’t changed in the writing process or the acting process, couldn’t they all tell on set that this was a very strange way to phrase this sentiment?

 

Lina Doesn’t Seem Very Nice…Also She Is A Witch.

Enough about Bella though, because Lina has to exposition dump all of Sondra’s backstory to Jeannie, which is a little inconsiderate of Sondra’s feelings considering how much personal information about Sondra’s family history and childhood she is just freely giving out. Lina stops just short of giving away Sondra’s social security number and realizes what she has to do. So Lina clutches her crystal necklace which begins glowing. Lina casts a spell. So while this witchcraft is happening in the other room, Sondra speaks to her client, a local newscaster. This newscaster reveals that she is pregnant and she got pregnant via the intervention of Lina (?!?), who just has magic and it is never really explained how. The newscaster explains to Sondra, a dietician, that she needs a new diet for her pregnancy and a really cringeworthy exchange happens where Sondra doesn’t approve of the newscaster having a baby, for some reason, and also the spell has been cast which results in her hearing these very loud noises. Sondra doesn’t excuse herself or stop the conversation, as if it is more important to tell this woman that she shouldn’t have a baby than it is to make sure that she isn’t having a stroke. So Sondra finally leaves the room where she promptly collapses and has a seizure. I don’t think I should have to explain this to people but here I go. Seizures are serious and dangerous events. Please don’t exploit them for your stupid dog movie. What did the seizure accomplish that just having Sondra faint would not have accomplished? So Sondra wakes up from her seizure and finds herself in the body of Bella!

 

BellaSondra fails A Test And Lina Is Bad At Being A Witch.

Now in the body of this chihuahua, Sondra tries and fails to navigate her new life, flubbing the therapy animal test that was scheduled for Bella and ruining her chances to become a therapy dog. After leaving the audition, a very disappointed Jeannie runs into Lina, who offers to hold Bella while Jeannie gets something from her car. It was all a ploy though so Lina can apologize to Sondra for turning her into a dog and maybe killing her body in the process. Also Lina has no idea if this change is temporary or permanent. Wow Lina, you’re a complete monster. No seriously, I know Sondra is kind of a jerk, but that is no reason to use your awesome magical powers to set up a scenario where maybe Sondra becomes a nicer person and maybe she just gets stuck in a dog body forever. Why not use your magic rock to cure cancer or maybe transform someone who really deserves to be a dog into one?

 

Sondra’s Worse Than This Guy? Why Isn’t He A Dog?

Cut to the hospital, where we learn some shocking news about Sondra’s boyfriend. That he is cheating on Sondra. He is cheating on her with a doctor who works at the same hospital that Sondra’s body is being held at and while in the same room as Sondra, he has a scene with this lady and says the phrase, “We promised each other that if we ever met somebody else, we would talk about it first.” C’mon Jordan, you had ONE job. Also feeling bad about cheating on your now comatose girlfriend does not make you less of a scumbag for cheating on your comatose girlfriend. Especially when you are having this conversation with your other girlfriend LESS THAN A FOOT AWAY FROM SONDRA’S LIFELESS BODY. And Sondra’s supposed to be the bad guy here? This movie is obsessed with saying how much of a jerk Sondra is while constantly showing us people who are worse.

 

The Sequence In Which Vile BellaSondra Saves A Woman’s Life.

But enough of that drama! Time for BellaSondra to go to grandma’s house! Because now that the psychological trauma is over it is time to have a friendly montage where BellaSondra plays with grandma, grandson and their two dogs. It is a riveting montage. After this magical romp through the backyard, BellaSondra scrounges for sustenance in the kitchen only to realize that tragedy has befallen everyone’s favorite family once more, as Grandma has collapsed in the living room! With the grandson paralyzed by indifference, BellaSondra leaps into action, quickly dialing 911 and barking until the child tells them what has happened. The ambulance arrives quickly, where a paramedic tells Jeannine, who arrived between edits, that, “It was a nasty fall, but she will be fine.” Look buddy, I’m no doctor, but maybe you shouldn’t make those kinds of promises to the family of an elderly woman who collapsed in her living room and, according to BellaSondra, got a nasty head wound in the process. Maybe run a few tests first.

 

Time To Insult Sondra! Oh, and Get The Plot Started, If There’s Time.

But Grandma is fine because the entire point of this little subplot was to get BellaSondra to the hospital where her body is being held, which is coincidentally the same hospital where Grandma was taken to. Yay plot convenience! So BellaSondra smells her body and then rushes over, finding her comatose shell and cuddling with it. Everyone, Jeannine and her family along with Sondra’s BF and the lady he is cheating on Sondra with, shows up in the room to be amazed at how BellaSondra has an instinctive attachment to Sondra. Oh and also so they can insult Sondra a couple more times. No really, Sondra’s limp body is laying there and the two just start lobbing insults at Sondra about how Sondra hated animals and she would never let a dog this close to her and that were she awake she would tell the dog to lose weight. Because…she’s a dietician? And it is funny because healthcare professionals making diet plans for people is…bad? Anyway, the point here is that BellaSondra can’t stay in the hospital to comfort her soon to be corpse, that is, unless she becomes a therapy dog!

 

THERAPY DOG STATUS ACHIEVED. MONTAGE PROGRAM INITIATING.

Which she does moments later. Because that is how story structure works. So now that we have just run out of things to happen in the plot, with about thirty minutes left of movie, it is time for Bella to be a therapy dog for all these sick and injured children. And we get a full fifteen minutes of it. Which I’m fine with because those are the best scenes in the movie so far. I hope those were actual sick kids so that someone could benefit from this movie getting made. While that is happening, Sondra’s body continues to deteriorate and while BellaSondra is trying to mentally prepare herself for the death of her body, and with it all her hopes and dreams, her cheating BF comes in and tells BellaSondra everything about his affair and how he doesn’t love Sondra anymore, just so that knife in her heart can be twisted a little bit further. At BellaSondra’s lowest point she gives in to her heart’s darkest desire, and we see a sepia toned montage of clips from the movie, set to a cataclysmically awful love song. This montage goes on for the entirety of this song, lasting a full two minutes.

 

Everyone Dies But Then They Don’t! Also Sondra Learns To Be A Doormat.

This montage inspires BellaSondra to exposit her tragic backstory about how awful she is and what her tragic backstory is. It’s a good thing she said it now, because right after this her body starts to to die. Sondra’s body flatlines, which somehow also causes BellaSondra to die. Jeannine is sad, BF is sad, everyone is so sad about what has happened. But thank god Lina is here to put the magic crystal in Sondra’s pocket which causes her to resurrect. She just gets up and walks out without anyone stopping her because there is no reason why any hospital staff would want to do some tests or anything to determine how a person who was dead for several minutes just got up and walked away. Also Bella wakes up because of course they aren’t going to kill a dog in this movie, not for more than a minute or so. Now Sondra is back so she can make amends to all the people she hurt in life! Like, her cheating BF? Yeah, Sondra APOLOGIZES to her cheating BF and his new GF, in a scene that had me screaming at the TV. Also she makes nice with Jeannine’s family because we have to tie everything up. And then Bella meets a boy Chihuahua because lesbian chihuahuas are not allowed in this wholesome production.

 

Not Quite The Epic Tale We Were Promised.

This one was tough. Not for the same reasons that An Easter Bunny Puppy was, but for the exact opposite reason! There was so much material that there just wasn’t enough time to put in words all the bizarre and stupid and nonsensical plot points that happened in this movie. It’s for that reason that I have to say that if you like these So Bad It’s Good dog movies I would really recommend this one. It is just so bizarre and nonsensical and there was not even a hint of understanding why these plotlines don’t work how they think they work. And one final thing. I don’t think this movie earned the “The Movie” in its title. It seems like they just could not think of anything that would properly convey how weird this story is so they just went with something as generic as possible.