Beverly Hills Chihuahua (2007)
Directed by Raja Gosnell

Beverly Hills Chihuahua. That sounds fun, right? Like, Chihuahuas are…an almost universally hated dog breed and Beverly Hills is a place that exists? God, I can’t even pretend I’m excited about this one. Beverly Hills Chihuahua was the result of visionary director Raja Gosnell, a legend in the dog film subgenre as the director of Scooby-Doo, Scooby-Doo 2, and 2018’s smash hit about dog molestation Show Dogs, deciding that he didn’t need a previously established franchise a la Scooby-Doo, he could just make one himself. With 3 Beverly Hills Chihuahua movies in existence, he succeeded, but at what cost?

Fine, I’ll actually talk about the movie. This film stars Drew Barrymore as the voice of Chloe, a spoiled Chihuahua living in the lap of luxury with her owner Vivian, a character who is shockingly played by Jamie Lee Curtis. Vivian, a businessperson of some sort, has to leave the country for a business businessing so she leaves Chloe with her spoiled niece Rachael, who immediately goes out with her friends to party in Mexico, bringing along Chloe for the ride! But Chloe escapes the room to…do something and immediately gets dognapped. After teaming up with a big gruff dog with a dark and mysterious past, the duo have to spend the next hour finding their way back home while Rachael teams up with the landscaper she racisted at earlier in the film. Also, the landscaper’s Chihuahua, Papi, is there. Because he desperately wants to get with Chloe. Which I suppose I am supposed to find charming. I do not.

Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Wow, that sounds really boring.” You are correct. This is an insanely boring movie. Every scene is the same. Chloe says, “I have to get home!” Her companion Delgado says, “Grr I am a ruffian with a heart of gold and a tragic backstory.” Then somewhere else, Papi says, “I am in deep need of Mi Corazon!!” Imagine watching over an hour of that.

That’s about it so…time to talk about something completely different. Max Keeble’s Big Move!

Max Keeble’s Big Move (2001)
Directed by Tim Hill

For reasons I’m not quite sure of, I thought this would be a great follow up to Beverly Hills Chihuahua. Maybe its because I was remembering how I saw trailers for this movie as a kid, maybe its because I had too much hope in my heart, I can blame any of these reasons, but the main reason is that I am a fool. Max Keeble’s Big Move is an astoundingly simple story of a boy who gets told that his family is moving so he plays a bunch of pranks on people who hassled him at school. And on an Evil Ice Cream Man played by Jamie Kennedy. For reasons.

It’s pretty bland and dull, though there are a few laughs thanks to veteran character actor Larry Miller as the diabolical principal, but you probably could guess that. But you probably couldn’t how shockingly racially charged this movie was going to be, all of it against Asians, for some reason. Early on there’s a dream sequence thing where Max and the Evil Ice Cream Man have a kung fu battle. In Chinatown. Complete with purposely off time dubbing. And kung fu noises.

That was weird, especially because this movie doesn’t parody other movie tropes, that’s just a one-off scene, but I didn’t think much of it until much later in the movie. After a prank on the mean principal is completed Max makes his getaway, but not before bowing towards the principal while a gong sound effect is played. I couldn’t tell you why. Kind of a ‘lol randum’ moment I suppose? But there is one Asian character in the film! Named…Mrs. Rangoon. Oh dear.

Racial insensitivity aside, there isn’t anything interesting about this movie, except for one thing. There’s a really cute goat.

The Bandit Hound (2016)
Directed by Michelle Danner

It’s been a long winding road to this point, fraught with boredom and racism, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and that light is The Bandit Hound. The Bandit Hound is what you get when you take a simple silly premise and just ride it for all its worth. This is the simple wholesome story of a pair of criminals, and their expert thief dog, who steal lots of money. The thief dog and his partners get separated and the dog is shipped off for adoption as the police, understandably, have no idea how to prosecute a dog. After getting adopted by a down on their luck family, the dog returns to his old ways, procuring many valuables for his new family.

I feel like I shouldn’t have to say this but The Bandit Hound is awesome. Starring Lou Ferrigno and Verne Troyer, this is a prime example of how fun writing and leaning into an absurd premise can override budget problems. Now I’m not saying that The Bandit Hound is a good movie. It’s not. But I AM saying that it is a good bad movie that is a ton of fun. For god’s sake, the opening scene of the movie features a dog robbing a bank! How could you not want to see that?

And considering that Ferrigno and Troyer, who weren’t in as much of the movie as I would have wanted but that’s okay, seemed to actually be trying to act, I am pretty happy with the end result. Maybe it’s because I previously saw insanely bland and boring stuff but The Bandit Hound had a lot of fun energy, even if it has some technical and budget issues. This is definitely more fun to drunkenly riff than Beverly Hills Chihuahua and Max Keeble’s Big Move, which did nothing but leave me uncomfortable and kill my buzz.