Greetings, friends! Welcome back to this week’s entry into the Dog Days of Summer series, a yearly event where I punish myself with terrible family-friendly dog movies. After covering the largely samey and uninspired Alpha and Omega series last week, I thought that Avenger Dogs might be the fun and energetic bad movie that I needed to get back in the Dog Days spirit! Just look at that poster! That poster promises fun dog superhero action and me, being the fool that I am, turned this movie on expecting a good time. I did not find a good time. Instead, I found the most insulting bait and switch scam that I have come across since starting the Dog Days of Summer series years ago, one that almost broke me. But I finished this movie. For you. So please join me as I warn everyone who will listen about the evils of Avenger Dogs.
Before I get into the story, I want you to do something. It’ll be quick, I promise. Scroll up slightly and look at the poster for Avenger Dogs. Look real closely, burn it into your brain. Then continue down and check out what the movie really looks like.
Read The Above Text First Please.
Thrilling Backstory That Will Not Matter In The Slightest!
Yeah. If you’re a Scared Sloth aficionado, then you may recognize this distinct visual style. If you are instead a sane person, let me explain. This movie is a sequel (I’m pretty sure) to a movie I’ve already reviewed called Star Paws, a movie about space dogs fighting the evil and strangely named Captain Adventure Cat. Our story here picks up with the dog heroes locked in an epic struggle against evil cat Professor McTinkerPaws in space. If you’re confused as to how our protagonists Space Lobber and Sky Fetcher can be both superheroes and space agents, then let me clear up that they are not superheroes. That was a lie. A lie that worked by getting me to watch this garbage.
Maybe I Should Give This A Chance, Because I Am A Fool.
To be fair, I should not dismiss this movie as terrible just because the marketing was a lie. Movies get poorly or wrongly marketed all the time and I shouldn’t hold the people who made the movie responsible for that. What I should hold the filmmakers responsible for is for making the least enjoyably bad dog movie I’ve ever seen. You see the story of Avenger Dogs is that Dr. Cat is somehow destroying the universe’s supply of bone marrow treats, which will starve all dogs who are good boys/good girls who earned those treats. To fight him, the Avenger Dogs Space Lobber and Sky Fetcher are called out of retirement because Avenger Dogs forces are stretched too thin across the galaxy.
Even Small Children Would Be Insulted By This.
If that plot seems a little too complicated for you to understand, don’t worry, the movie will explain it again. And again. And again! AND AGAIN! The first 45 minutes of Avenger Dogs is the exact same scene in mildly different settings, where a few dogs explain to each other that the Cat is evil and doing bad things and we need to stop him. Sometimes they explain this to new characters, sometimes they explain it to characters who have already had this explained to them, sometimes the Cat himself VIDEOCALLS THE HEROES TO EXPLAIN THAT HE IS EVIL AND ENACTING EVIL PLANS. And all of this happens while or heroes stand in one spot and do nothing!
The Avenger Dogs And The Mystery of A Motionless Universe
There isn’t an action sequence until well over an hour into the movie and even then its just a brief space battle where ships shoot lasers at each other. We never see the Avenger Dogs in action or doing anything more intense than standing up and wagging their tails. They can’t even walk, every time they need to go somewhere the movie cuts to them being that place. Every time something has to happen, like when a dog sensei enters their mind to fix their brains or when the dogs go through re-training, we always cut to the scene afterward because dogs doing push-ups or dogs traveling through an abstract representation of a dog brain would be way too expensive to animate. So much of this movie was designed to be budget-friendly that things that don’t make sense in-universe start to make sense when you think about the production decisions.
A Shocking Realization About These Dog Costumes.
For example, there are many early scenes where the Avenger Dogs are wearing their costumes, only to suddenly not be wearing costumes and then be given them at the end of the movie in what is supposed to be a triumphant moment. Them having these costumes at the beginning of the movie makes no sense, except if maybe the filmmakers realized that without the dogs wearing the costumes, you the viewer would have no idea that is supposed to be about dog superheroes. If those dogs were not wearing those costumes in the opening scene, then I would have thought this was the wrong movie and immediately turned it off. To head off that problem, they had to place these dogs in the costumes, even though it makes no sense in-universe for the dogs to be in costume and they quietly disrobe the dogs as soon as they explain the story. This isn’t a movie.
The Avenger Dogs Heroically Unnecessarily Sacrifice Someone!
Let me try to finish talking about the story. The Avenger Dogs go after the evil Cat and track him to the Bone Marrow dimension, where they realize a fellow dog has been brainwashed and kidnapped by the evil Cat. After the only motion in the movie happens with the brief dogfight, the Avenger Dogs teleport onto the evil Cat’s ship and explain how they, off-screen of course, reversed the polarity of his Bone Marrow destroying ray to repair the damage he has done. After this discussion, the Avenger Dogs are teleported off the ship, LEAVING THEIR BRAINWASHED FRIEND BEHIND. When the Avenger Dogs say, “Hey shouldn’t we go back and help him?” They are told NO, because the mission, which has already succeeded, could be compromised. So much for dogs being loyal! So much for no dog left behind! If that’s how these dogs operate, maybe there’s something to that evil Cat’s plans.
This Movie Is a Step Down…FROM STAR PAWS!
What is even more baffling is that even though Star Paws was a mess, there were things I liked about it. It was absurd, it had some cute set design and really cute dogs, and there were plenty of moments in the movie that were so dumb and bizarre that they were hysterical. I love laughing at bad dog movies, and I don’t think I cracked a smile once during this entire 75 minutes. I cannot emphasize enough how much this is not a movie, and this moment is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the lowest point of the Dog Days of Summer. This summer I’ve already tackled some of the worst dog movies I’ve ever seen, and we are three weeks in. I pray for my sanity when I think about what the future holds.
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