Directed by Aaron Woodley
Before we get into Arctic Dogs let me tell you about my only look into what the general public thought about it pre-release. I was watching trailers before The Addams Family and a couple came on for upcoming animated films, which most people laughed at. Then the trailer for Arctic Dogs came on. I have never heard a quieter theater in my entire life. All talking ceased. No one could muster a reaction to the absurd generic mess before us. After watching the whole movie, in an empty theater, I might add, I have to say that their reactions were rather prescient, Arctic Dogs is mostly nothing.
The Series of Things That Happen In Lieu Of A Plot.
Our film begins with our hero Swifty the arctic fox, voiced by Jeremy Renner, as a child who admires the heroic sled dogs who pull sleds to deliver goods and mail and then return to be worshipped by all the children. As an adult, Swifty tries to join this team but he can’t because he’s a fox and only big dogs can be sled dogs! Oh no! So Swifty has to work as a boring package sorter in a sequence that no child would find funny and every adult would find hits too close to home. But after delivering a package from his childhood friend, Genius Inventor Jade, to a mysterious walrus, who is somehow voiced by John Cleese, the sled dogs disappear and Swifty gets his chance to become the sled dog he always wanted! But is the fame what he really wanted?
But Wait…There’s More!
I’ll be honest with you, this is about 30 minutes of the movie. When I was at this point I was really worried about what I would even write in this review. The premise is ao generic and coated in layers of “Just Be Yourself!” That I had no idea how to make it interesting or funny. But lo! The gods of dog movies have smiled upon me! For Arctic Dogs is not just a generic Balto ripoff, no it is so much more! It is secretly an in your face environmentalist tract, and when I learned that I almost squealed in delight.
Unexpected Environmentalist Tract!
How is it an environmentalist tract? Global warming was mentioned a few times, I didn’t think too much of it but it seemed weird to me. Then we learn what the villainous walrus’ plan is. His plan is, and I am not joking, to destroy the town that everyone lives in, and also the world, by exacerbating global warming through fracking. That is what this movie is about. It is about a team of plucky animals who stop a gas tycoon walrus who wants to destroy everything through fracking just because he’s a dick.
Just Subtle Enough.
You may think I am oversimplifying this. I am not. It is explained to Swifty by a pair of French Otters in La Resistance that the walrus is planning to use a giant drill to extract gas from the Earth. Gas with a complex scientific name that they abbreviate to B.A.D. gas. Because of subtlety. When they arrive at one of the walrus’ test sites they smell the gas and Swifty responds, “That smells like the Earth took a poopy.” The next time you see a Marvel thing with Jeremy Renner, please imagine him saying that line. I think it would improve his roles.
Let’s Be Fair And Very Briefly Discuss The Positives.
Oh god, I guess I should talk about the positives. Um…okay here’s one. I liked John Cleese, he didn’t care and was just trying to chew scenery and I appreciate that. He wasn’t just a cameo either, he was in a fair chunk of the film. And, uh, I agree that fracking is bad and global warming is real, so I guess that message is okay if terribly unsubtle and not great for a kids movie. The animation…is there. James Franco probably didn’t harass anyone on set? Okay, that’s all I got. Back to what sucks.
The Alleged Jokes
In addition to the absurd storylines, Arctic Dogs has the foreseeable problem that it is just not funny. Here are some of the jokes: All the beavers have Italian accents, which is later remarked on by Swifty. The French Otters repeatedly punch Swifty in the face. There is the stock joke of, “You won’t regret this!” met with “I regret it already.” Swifty parties and gets a hangover. The puffins. Oh dear god, the puffins. The puffins are everything wrong with how modern animated movies write comedy. Every single studio wants to chase that Minions money so now every animated comedy has to have an annoying mascot character that babbles and commits acts of violence. This movie has the puffins. They hurt me. They do nothing but squawk and hit each other and be generally useless and I need them far away from me. These things are so annoying and pointless that they make the minions funny by comparison!
Dream Big Kids! But Not Too Big…
One final weird thing is the odd message this movie has. Multiple characters have dreams and goals of rising above their station, of becoming great and well known and helping people. As the film points out though, all of these people are wrong for doing this. Having dreams, goals, and ambitions will only cause you suffering so how about don’t have them? Swifty wanted to pull sleds and help people but he ends up running an office and overseeing others pull sleds, which is much better because middle management is way cooler than doing cool things that you enjoy and could help people.
Maybe Don’t Pay Ten Million Dollars To See This In Theatre.
It sounds like I’m being very negative here but Arctic Dogs isn’t even close to the worst dog movie I’ve seen. As for whether or not I recommend it, eh, it isn’t really funny enough to be a good bad movie and it certainly isn’t worth seeing in theatres, not that you’ll be able to in a day or two. It is more of a curiosity than a movie. I’m just sad that this didn’t get a bigger box office and become better known. Then we may have gotten a Trump tweet about how Arctic Dogs is liberal propaganda and I would have that shit framed. Skip it, maybe grab it out of the dollar bin when it comes out on DVD.
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