Welcome, one and all to the official beginning of the Dog Days of Summer! If you’re an old hand, you know the drill, but if you’re new, the Dog Days of Summer is a yearly event where I take a break from talking horror to talk about my second favorite weird genre of movie, terrible family-friendly dog movies! I had originally envisioned this year starting with a rundown of the entire Alpha and Omega franchise, that is still happening, but I thought it might be better to start off covering just the first one so we all have a bit more context for why the next seven movies are even more terrible than they already are. Please join me as I talk about no one’s favorite animated feature, Alpha & Omega!
Alpha & Omega!
This is the story of two young wolves, Kate and Humphrey, who live in Alberta Canada’s Jasper National Park. These two wolves are childhood friends and the goofy Humphrey has romantic feelings for beautiful (I think? All these wolves look alike.) and confident Kate, a romance that is forbidden because Kate is an Alpha and Humphrey is an Omega. What the hell do those terms mean? I dunno, the movie never explains, I had to figure out through context clues that Alphas I believe are the hunters while Omegas are fun-loving partiers who are also diplomats. Why not just call them hunters and talkers or some other more descriptive term that didn’t rely on wolf research that we know has been wrong for decades? I guess Hunter & Talker wouldn’t have been as good of a title?
Back To The Story!
So Humphrey wants to…well, ‘ask Kate out’ would be the wrong term, they don’t really have dates in this world…ah the hell with it, he wants to have sex with her! That’s it! That’s what he wants. But he cannot do this because the strict caste system of the wolf pack declares that Alphas and Omegas cannot breed together. Also, Kate’s hand (paw?) in marriage (mating?) has been promised to the son of a rival wolf pack in the hopes they can join these two groups together and stop a war over the limited resources of the valley. Before this joining can happen, Kate and Humphrey are captured by park rangers who relocated them to another wildlife preserve to reintroduce wolves there. The two must make it back in time before war breaks out between the two wolf packs!
So, What’s In The Movie?
Walking. That’s half-serious, this is an ‘on-the-road’ movie so the majority of the action is the two wolves traveling back to Jasper, by foot (paw?), by van, by train, these are all just here so you’ll think something is happening when in actuality nothing of any interest is appearing on-screen. Sure, there are attempts to have a story, like how the wolf that Kate is promised to turns out to be bad at howling (which I think is supposed to be a metaphor for sex) so while Kate and Humphrey are gone Kate’s sister teaches him how to howl better (make of the previously established metaphor what you will) and falls in love with him for his rocking bod deep personality. Also, there is some drama about Kate being missing so they can’t merge the packs, but that’s all just an excuse to force conflict. An excuse that ignores all the previously established rules because if Omegas are supposed to be these important negotiators or whatever, why aren’t they involved in any of these talks? Why are Alphas, the hunters, the only wolves allowed to do anything important? Why make these points if the story won’t even follow them???
Fun For The Whole Family?
Come to think of it, why even make this a kid’s movie? There is literally no aspect of this movie that is appropriate for children or interesting to children. The main plots are about politics and wars over dwindling resources and the need for sexual freedom in an oppressive caste-based society, most of the jokes are thinly veiled innuendos, everyone is super horny, and threats of graphic violence abound. This movie is Game of Thrones if Game of Thrones was rated PG and every season had the writing quality of Season 8, also if everyone was a wolf. Hell, at one point a character threatens to “rip out your eyeballs and shove them down your throat so you can see my claws tear your carcass open”. IN A PG RATED MOVIE.
Every Kid’s Favorite Actor, Dennis Hopper!
Looking at this first movie I have no clue how this spawned a series. The characters are as bland as they could possibly be, the only jokes are either not for children or so asinine and pandering that even the very young target audience should be able to tell they’re being pandered to, and a decent voice cast is completely squandered. They got Danny Glover, Dennis Hopper, Christina Ricci, Justin Long, and Hayden Panettiere on this cast and while they aren’t all A-Listers, they’re at least all decent at acting, and these people have nothing to work with. Sadly, Dennis Hopper passed away during this production, and Alpha and Omega is dedicated to him. Isn’t that an extra kick in the ass? Not only does he die of cancer, but he also gets a shitty movie dedicated to him so everyone can be reminded forever how far he had fallen.
Brace Yourself For The Rest Of The Series.
Alpha and Omega is pointless in every regard. The jokes aren’t funny, the characters aren’t memorable, the plot is bizarrely serious and the animation looks worse than movies that came out ten years before it. This is not a funnybad movie, there is nothing to be gained at all from watching even a single second of this hackneyed story. But I can tell you this. The sequels are way funnier. Because even the mild technical competency of this first film is completely forgotten by the garbage that is Alpha and Omega 2-8. I needed to brief you on this to get you ready for those, so please stick around for I will very soon be covering the rest of this series!
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