Alone in the Woods (1996)

Directed by John Putch

Viewed on Amazon Prime

 

I have a confession to make, my friends. I have never seen Home Alone. Sure, I’m familiar with it, I’ve seen clips of the original and know what happens in it, hell I’ve even seen Home Alone 3, but I cannot remember ever watching the original film in its entirety. That puts me in a bit of an odd position when it comes to discussing the Thanksgiving film I’m going to be talking about today, Alone in the Woods, which is an unashamed ripoff of the Christmas classic. I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised about this odd film, as it comes from the director of My Magic Dog and Atlas Shrugged Part II: The Strike. (That is not a joke https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1985017/?ref_=nm_flmg_dr_17)  Well, let’s stop wasting time and get into this Thanksgiving classic, Alone in the Woods.

Beautiful Predictability.

We start off with an opening credits montage. Oh, bad children’s movies, you are all so into these terrible montages. What’s strange about this one though is that it isn’t a montage of beauty shots of locations in the film, which would have been sensible because the film takes place in a national park, or even a montage of traditional Thanksgiving activities. Rather than any of that we see a child putting a small fanny pack tool box contraption thing together. This is the Facilitator and it makes little Justin Rogers an unstoppable force of nature.

 

I love the Facilitator. It’s so bad.

 

The Plot Device That Wasn’t.

Seeing this device front and center, bigged up by an opening montage and lovingly cared for by our hero, Justin, might make you assume that this is a really important plot device. You would be wrong. The centerpiece to this film barely shows up, with none of its functions being integral to the plot. But I’m getting ahead of myself, let’s describe Justin a little bit more so we can all get to know him. He’s an incorrigible prankster, doing things like putting a balloon on the family car’s exhaust pipe so that it will pop and scare everyone. He is a movie lover, and, unlike me, I’m pretty certain that he has seen Home Alone, as we can clearly see it as being part of a collection of VHS tapes on his dresser!

 

Right behind E.T. Ah, these must be in the ‘Movies that are better than the one I am in’ section.

 

Justin’s Incredible Comedic Skills.

Justin’s impressive collection is not appreciated by his family, who are planning their yearly jaunt to a nearby national forest and are trying to get him and are trying to get his sister Katie into the car so they can get going. Katie desperately wanted to bring her boyfriend Collin with them on the trip but she could not and…nothing ever comes from that subplot except for one momentary plot point, and then the story is quickly dropped. While Katie attempts to negotiate with her parents, Justin makes his robust presence known, pulling the previously described balloon over the exhaust ‘prank’ and pissing off everyone. Justin’s rampage continues on the drive up, getting into an argument with his sister and then mouthing off to his mom. I need to talk about what he says to his sister though, his first insult to her is that she should, “Take a shower.” I cannot for the life of me figure out what he is referring to. Is he just saying that she smells? Does Katie not bathe? Is she supposed to be a hippie? I might just be overthinking it but I cannot figure out for the life of me what this joke is playing on.

 

The most complex insult comic ever to live.

 

Enter The Duo Who Is Not At All Like That Other Duo.

Justin’s insults don’t go over well with his father, who chastises him and demands that he apologize to his mom and stop being a little asshole (my words not his). This show of parental fortitude angers Justin, who hops into the back of the car to avoid his family. Briefly stopping at a mountain store to grab some supplies before the final stretch to the cabin, Justin sneaks out of the van and gets some gumballs out of a candy machine, not noticing the identical white van being driven by two odd men, one of them doing his best Joe Pesci impression and the other is..well, the best way to describe him would be that he is the store brand version of Jean-Claude Van Damme.

 

Not at all similar to those other guys.

 

Justin, Your Inability To Check Cars Before Getting Into Them Is Your Undoing!

Justin, completely absorbed in his music and gumballs, doesn’t notice the van drive up and gets in the wrong car! Oh, what a wacky turn of events, Justin is now separated from his family in a national park and in a van with two men who were moments ago bragging about how evil they are. I’m sorry Justin, I think this is going to be your last Thanksgiving. So because Justin isn’t speaking to his family, because he’s mad that he was told to respect them, he just hangs out in the trunk of this van and gets out after the men driving it stop. Rather than say, walking up to the house and just knocking and explaining that he is lost and ask for help (which a smart crook would give in order to get this kid out of the area fast) Justin decides that his best course of action is to put on a terrible Austrian accent, barge in and convince the men that he is Arnold Schwarzenegger’s son so they will let him use their phone. Because this is a terrible comedy, this plan works perfectly. Unfortunately, the only payoff for Katie’s boyfriend subplot kicks in and she is on the phone with Collin while her parents are out looking for Justin. Also they explicitly told her not to call anyone because Justin might call. Man, everyone here is so likeable!

 

Unique Comedy Setup Narrowly Averted! Also This Movie Doesn’t Understand Laws.

With the guys believing that Justin is the son of Ahhnuld, maybe we could get some comedy out of that, right? Maybe they’ll try and put a twist on this and have Justin terrorize these guys while they believe he is the son of a famous actor and do something a little different than a Home Alone ripoff? NOPE. They throw the kid out immediately after the phone call and that subplot never pays off. So, you may be wondering what Justin’s parents are up to during all this. They react pretty reasonably, calling the police and trying to look for Justin themselves when the cops tell the Rogers clan that they cannot investigate a disappearance until twenty four hours have passed. I’m not even going to comment on how untrue that statement is, so I will instead talk about these cops.

 

Look at all these wonderful, useful characters!

 

An Unnecessary Subplot In An Already Unnecessary Film.

I only want to talk about these cops once so I’ll just explain everything in this one paragraph so we can all get on with our lives. Trust me, you’re better off not knowing about these guys because these bumbling cops are the unfunny comedic subplot in an already unfunny movie. This mountain station that has been emptied for Thanksgiving weekend has only three people left, a receptionist, the Sarge, and a bumbling dopey rookie cop who would have been played by Clint Howard if this production had any money to spend on good actors. The hilarious rookie cop keeps messing things up and setting up painful physical comedy for Sarge to fall into. These scenes are terribly unfunny, but their biggest sin is that there is NEVER a payoff for these characters, they AREN’T the ones to save the day at the end, the bumbling rookie does NOT redeem himself in the eyes of his superior and no lesson is learned from this. The inclusion of these characters was just padding.

 

There is nothing to be gained by looking at this.

 

Time For The Disjointed Plot To Really Get Going!

Now that we have those cheerful characters out of the way, let’s talk about what could be called the plot. After getting thrown out into the wilderness by not-Joe Pesci, Justin hangs around the house and sneaks back in after the two men leave, spending a night setting up wacky pranks that have no payoff, except for a “short sheeting” prank that I had to look up, and I still don’t really know what it means. Justin just floats around until the men return and reveal that they have kidnapped the daughter of a toy magnate and are holding her for a million dollar ransom. Realizing that he should stop being a dick and actually do something to help, he tries to get her away from the kidnappers, but then realizes that he can’t do it alone and goes back home. Part of his plan involves taking a picture of the kidnappers and leaving it in the cash register of the mountain store, but then Non Claude Van Damme breaks in, so he can steal healthy food because not-Joe Pesci only brought TV dinners with him. This crook steals the money from the register and notices the camera (but not the note from Justin explaining that the clerk should develop the photos) and, in a display of unmatched comedy, takes a photo of his butt with it.

 

I know that was a bit convoluted. I just had to bring up this scene.

 

Time To Get Ready For That Home Alone Rip Off To Start!

Justin does manage to make his way back to the vacation house! And insults his sister as soon as he walks in. Thanks, Justin. So his parents are of course very happy to see him and Justin is thrilled to be able to tell someone about this kidnapping he just witnessed…except his parents don’t believe him. They immediately think he’s lying and send him to bed. I don’t know if they even give this kid, who hasn’t eaten in close to a day, food. I love that, even though he was missing and everyone was worried sick and frustrated that the cops wouldn’t help, that the minute he comes home and says something that is mildly far fetched, they just go right back to being angry with him. Justin must have done some heinous stuff off-screen for them to hate him this much. So instead of just grabbing the phone and calling the police Justin decides that only he can help stop this kidnapping, grabbing a few household items like glue, oil, and some other things, before leaving to stop these kidnappers. Also he grabs a FLARE GUN.

 

This kid is not being cool about fire safety.

 

LET THE SHENANIGANS COMMENCE.

Justin arrives at the secluded house and begins putting his plan into action, and the movie FINALLY delivers on some Home Alone style comedy. These traps are of course nowhere near as clever as anything in Home Alone, just oil on a porch and a tripwire, but I’m just glad something is happening. Setting his plan into motion, Justin lures Not-Joe Pesci out of the cabin with an air horn duct taped to a tree, leaving NCVD defenseless in the bathroom. Justin walks to the side of the house, takes out his trusty flare gun and fires it up what I assume is a drain pipe leading to the bathroom. I don’t know enough about flare guns or pipes to make this call but I am stunned that neither Justin nor NCVD died as a result of this stupid kid’s choices. NCVD just has his ass slightly burned.

 

Maybe they can use the picture of his butt from earlier to surgically reconstruct his ass?

 

The Creepiest Scene in the Whole Movie.

Everyone then wanders around until Justin’s parents figure out where Justin is and go to get him. They track him down to the secluded cabin where Justin is presently holed up and attempt to enter. The creepiest shot of the movie happens here, where Justin’s heavily pregnant mom approaches the front door while Justin is hiding behind the door with a bat ready to strike whoever enters. I don’t expect anything bad to actually happen in this scene but the way it is shot looks like we’re about to witness something tragic. Of course, nothing bad happens, and everyone reunites just in time to save the kidnapping victim!

 

EVERYTHING IS RESOLVED IN A DANGEROUS MANNER.

Their first plan is to figure out what road the kidnappers are driving on and then block the road with their car/distract the kidnappers by asking them to help change a tire. And don’t worry, that first bit all happens off-screen, we just cut to the parents right where they need to be! Things take a bit of a dark turn though, as the kidnappers figure out what is going on and repeatedly threaten to shoot both the heavily pregnant Mrs. Rogers and EVERYONE FROM THE ROGERS FAMILY ONE BY ONE WHILE JUSTIN WATCHES. I know these are kidnappers and the bad guys but doesn’t that seem a little too intense for a Home Alone knockoff? But don’t worry, no one gets shot because Katie arrives to save the day and make sure that the kidnappers can’t kidnap anyone else by knocking out not-Joe Pesci and holding his partner at gunpoint! The final scene has all of our families reunited, Justin with the Rogers and the kidnapee with her father. Then, for the final bit of unearned sentimentality, everyone goes to enjoy Thanksgiving dinner together!

 

It Just Isn’t Worth It.

So this movie is bad, much worse than the movie I reviewed last week, Blood Freak. Everything about this is just so pandering and bland and weirdly disjointed. It had no real plot to speak of, things just kept happening. I tried to convey as much as I could but entire characters had to be left out just because there wasn’t enough time to describe every single thing that happened. Its for the best though, because unlike Blood Freak there is not any reason to watch Alone in the Woods, there are only a few brief glimmers of weirdness in it that make it interesting, like a moment I didn’t mention where a fortyish year old character starts awkwardly flirting with a sixteen year old girl. It’s a weird scene and it feels like they didn’t entirely know what would be appropriate to even have in this movie. But there isn’t enough of that to make it an interesting watch and you’re better off leaving this one forgotten on the shelf. Speaking of interesting watches though, come back next week and I’ll have something truly remarkable for the pre-Thanksgiving special!