Abner The Invisible Dog (2013)
Directed by Fred Olen Ray

Welcome back to the latest installment of Dog Days of Summer, a series where I watch and review the finest terrible family-friendly dog films. Any of you who have read my Dog Days Of Summer reviews from previous years, all three of you, might recall a similar movie I reviewed, Dude Where’s My Dog? Watching that cinematic tour de force was so exhilarating, I immediately knew I had to watch this movie to check if it had even one-tenth of the potential that the previous film possessed. What followed was one of the most disappointing viewing experiences I can remember. It’s not that Abner The Invisible Dog isn’t bad, because it certainly is, it is because this movie is the least enjoyably bad dog movie I’ve seen in a long time. Unfortunately, I’m going to have to make this a very meta-review, but for now, let’s introduce Abner The Invisible Dog!

That Time Chad Attracted A Half-Dozen Bullies.

Abner the Invisible Dog is the story of young science nerd Chad Sheppards, a boy who is unsurprisingly the target of a team of bullies determined to ruin his chances at romance with his neighbor Sophie. These aren’t just any bullies though, these are old school bullies who use classic bullying techniques like pulling off the ‘you get behind him and I’ll push’ technique. As much as I loathe bullying, I do appreciate the nod to the roots of bullying. Chad is less than thrilled though, as he mutters the, apparently very popular with pre-teens, The Honeymooners reference, “One of these days…” as the bullies escort Sophie to school. Chad, maybe more people would like you if you stopped referencing TV from before their parents were born?

Meet Old Man Jenkins. No, Really.

Thoroughly embarrassed by both these bullies and his own lame references, Chad hurries off to school, while elsewhere, the plot is happening. In a secret government lab, which in all fairness looks reasonably like some sort of sciencey government building (you win this round Abner The Invisible Dog) a team of scientists has just finished creating two mysterious vials of important chemicals. As the team exits to take a well-deserved lunch they pass by a janitor who is clearly wearing an old man mask, this janitor’s name is…sigh Old Man Jenkins. The security team watching the cameras find Jenkins old man-ness to be hilarious, mocking how slow and decrepit he is, in a scene foreshadowing this film’s disdain for the elderly. ‘Old Man Jenkins’ proceeds to steal the vials and lead the security team on a hilarious chase through the facility, complete with the Scooby-Doo hallway gag.

This Robbery Goes Rapidly Downhill.

After quickly losing his pursuers, Old Man Jenkins meets up with his getaway driver, and the two peel off, leaving everyone else behind. In a shocking twist, Old Man Jenkins rips off his face mask to reveal that he’s actually Murdoch, played by David Deluise, patron Saint of terrible dog movies! After this strangely successful robbery, the two park in a strip mall so the driver can ‘find another car’ and so Murdoch can change clothes. Why not just leave a car at the rendezvous point? Why not just change clothes in the car during the drive? This robbery was so well planned until now, why are you suddenly acting so dumb? Stick with me folks, we’re about to get much much dumber.

WHY WOULD ANY OF THIS HAPPEN?!?

After ducking into a toy store, Murdoch runs to the bathroom to change his clothes, but before he can do that, he stashes the vials in a child’s chemistry set. Why stash the priceless vials in a piece of merchandise that could easily be purchased while you’re gone? No idea. So Murdoch leaves, changes, and comes back seconds later to retrieve the vials, only to find that Chad’s father has bought them as a last-minute birthday present for his son! Oh No!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why wouldn’t Murdoch simply bring the vials with him for the 30 seconds he was gone? Why wouldn’t he hide them somewhere that wouldn’t be seen, like behind a shelf or in the bathroom? Because a movie had to happen. Coincidentally, the chemistry set is a Svengoolie licensed chemistry set. If you don’t know who Svengoolie is, he is a TV show host who has a show where he presents and skewers B-movies, well known in his circles, and it is fun to see him referenced.

You Know What’s Hysterical? Dementia.

So the elder Sheppards brings the kit home to present to his son, a perfect way to end what has otherwise been a miserable birthday for this kid. His day started off with him being bullied, he got home to a birthday dinner of some unidentifiable casserole dish, and his gift from his mom was pajama pants and some socks. You couldn’t get this kid a pizza or something for his 13th birthday? Maybe the birthday party is going to be over the weekend and that’s why they aren’t celebrating much? I mean, they have a busy day tomorrow, they have to get Chad’s dementia-ridden great-Aunt to the old folks home. But while she’s here there are plenty of hilarious and not at all upsetting jokes about how funny dementia is and how this lady doesn’t know who she’s talking to or what’s going on! Ha. Ha. Ha. The compassion is overwhelming.

Trying To Tell Your Parents About Your Talking Dog? That’s A Paddlin’.

Chad really likes the chemistry set though and races upstairs to work on it, refusing to even cut his cake (jeez I guess this was his party, that’s depressing) until he unlocks the secrets of Svengoolie’s science. Carefully mixing several of the ingredients with the contents of one of the mysterious vials, Chad accidentally(?) feeds the resulting potion to his dog Abner, which makes him able to talk! Because it can’t just be an invisible dog, it has to be an invisible talking dog! A talking dog that Chad believes is a hallucination from when he was pushed earlier. But then he doesn’t because he tries to tell his parents about this but they think he’s lying and threaten to ground him! Like, yeah, the parents wouldn’t believe the dog could talk but why are they taking this so seriously? Why not think this is the setup for a prank? It’s still his birthday, maybe cut this kid a little slack?!?

Did Someone Say Home Alone Ripoff? Oh, Yes, They Did.

At this point, the goons go talk to their boss about the kid having the chemicals and how they need to get it from him, with the boss asking if the kid is, “Home…Alone?” Yes, the pause was included. I assume they thought you would need a little time to laugh from that hilarious reference, so they worked it into the script. The entire rest of the movie is a standard home alone knockoff, the kid fends off the goons with homemade gadgets and the help of his invisible talking dog, while the goons are so inexplicably inept that they can’t figure out how to intimidate a literal child. This brings me to the main problem Abner The Invisible Dog has; it isn’t funny, it’s just dumb.

Time For Me To Whip Out The Sox Scale!

Based on all the winks to the audience with Svengoolie and classic comedy references, I think this is supposed to be a tongue in cheek movie, like, they made a bad dog movie on purpose as a joke. Unfortunately, they don’t understand why truly hilarious bad dog movies are funny, so let me explain by introducing what I’ll call The Sox Scale. Sox: A Family’s Best Friend, is probably the most insane dog movie I’ve watched for this site, and that’s the point. I don’t want to see dumb things, I want to see absurd things. Absurd things can also be dumb, but the dumbness doesn’t make them funny, the absurdity does. An invisible talking dog does not hold a candle to an immortal telepathic dog who was friends with Jesus, and yes, that is what is revealed in Sox, spoiler alert.

How Many Times Can I Use Absurd In This Review?

It doesn’t necessarily have to be a narrative absurdity, it could also be a technical absurdity. The movie I covered last, Ally & Obie, is a good example of how what would be a boring plot for a dog movie gets livened up by the people making it had no idea how to make a children’s movie. Seeing the endless scenes of algebra, the ignorance as to how children speak, and meeting a cop wearing an out of state uniform with an electrical tape covered badge is all funnier than seeing a technically average take on the material. And that is how Abner The Invisible Dog fails by succeeding. Fred Olen Ray knows how to set up a low budget movie, he knows how to use a couple locations, a couple actors, the right props, and make something that comes close to looking like a competent movie. But the problem is if you want to make a genuinely funny movie you need good writing. And if you want an ironic, oh we made a wacky dog movie on purpose, then you need a script full of absurdity. Abner The Invisible Dog doesn’t have either.

[insert photo from film] Wow, this set looks like it could be in a movie or something.

Below Please Find My Academic Thesis On Fart Jokes.

Since you’re here, let me explain another kind of humor most low budget dog movies fail at, fart jokes. I don’t necessarily think low brow humor is bad, I frequently make terrible crass jokes and I think movies should be allowed to do the same, but most movies don’t get fart humor right. You see, the fart can be a set up for a joke or it can be a punchline for a joke, but there has to be a joke present. A dog farting isn’t by itself funny, that’s just a thing dogs do. Abner sitting on Chad’s bed and farting is not funny. But later in the movie, when Abner is invisible and chasing a cat, Chad notices that he becomes visible for a brief moment. Chad asks Abner to try to become visible and Abner tries, audibly straining before he says he cannot. If Abner had farted while straining to become visible that would have at least been a properly structured joke. It ain’t high brow but I probably would have laughed. And there are many fart “jokes” in this movie.

This Movie Has To End Right Now.

I realize now that I stopped talking about the plot. Let me finish up. Great-Aunt gets taken to an old-folks home where more dementia jokes are made, the goons keep failing, and a shocking revelation that the goons’ boss is the director of the science lab that developed the formula is revealed! The security people at the lab go to Chad’s house with the lab director, where everything is revealed and the director, who is the only person in the movie with a gun, is disarmed by Abner. There is never any attempt to explain the lab director’s convoluted plan, so I won’t even bother picking it apart or explaining how stupid it is. Oh, and then Chad confronts his bullies, and instead of using his brains or invisible dog to overcome them, he just beats them up. What a satisfying subversion of my expectations.

Abner The Invisible Dog Isn’t The Worst Movie. That Is Its Downfall.

I could write another full page on how setting up a scenario where Chad’s bullies use a specific method, having someone crouch down behind him and then someone else pushes him, would be a perfect setup for Chad getting revenge on them by using his INVISIBLE DOG to get behind them so he can push them and how that would at least be some kind of joke, but I don’t want to keep you any longer. This wasn’t the worst dog movie I’ve watched for Dog Days Of Summer, but that kind of works against Abner The Invisible Dog. Abner didn’t hurt me like many of these dog movies do, but I wish it was weirder, more out there, maybe a little less dumb. Thanks for reading, I’ll be back soon with some more reviews of dog and horror films! Maybe now I’ll go watch something else from Fred Olen Ray’s filmography, like Alienator or Sexual Witchcraft.

Tags: dog days of summerMovie Review