A Frozen Christmas (2016)

Directed by Evan Tramel

Viewed on Hulu

I have to start this review with a question that should never be used to start a review. What is the cutoff before something can no longer be called a film? I bring this up because that was my first thought as I began A Frozen Christmas, a ‘movie’ that may be the worst holiday film I’ve ever seen. I kind of knew it was going to be terrible, it’s on Hulu for starters, and its title is clearly riding off of Frozen to get some confused parents/grandparents to mistakenly buy/rent/click on it. Speaking of that, why don’t you play a game with me and imagine what you think a Christmas themed ripoff of Frozen would be! Maybe it’s about a snowman, who looks suspiciously similar to Olaf, helping Santa deliver his presents? Or maybe it’s about a snowman helping to save Christmas from some evil villain? It is neither of those things. It is so much worse.

This Is Not At All What I Thought It Was

The worst part is that this movie is presented as something it is not. It presents itself as an anthology film, and that’s a fine idea for a children’s holiday feature! A nice collection of classic stories shown to a new generation of children is a pretty good idea, hell, if this had just been an adaptation of A Christmas Carol and then two other shorts that would have been great, but well, it doesn’t quite meet that description. Though there are some holiday classics here they aren’t part of anything that I would call a proper anthology. And you’ll know why in a moment.

Is It Time?

We start with a wonderful winter wonderland where Santa appears and uses his magic candy cane wand to conjure up the words, “IT’S TIME” in deep green, which is already creepy because there is no situation where the phrase “It’s Time,” isn’t ominous. And this is not an, “It’s Time!” situation where the phrase is said in a jolly, happy way, or even in an excited way. The best way I could describe the phrasing is neutral, and even then it sounds less like we’re getting ready for some Christmas cheer and more like we’re getting ready for a doctor’s appointment.

Santa’s Sisyphean Task.

So, immediately Santa announces that it’s time for a frozen Christmas and we see some questionably animated penguin shenanigans. Penguins crash into Santa, and then he has to lug all his gifts up a near vertical hill, over and over again, like Santa is Sisyphus, hauling a boulder up a hill over and over again, only to have to continue the cycle forever. Come to think of it, being forced to be Santa would be a good ironic punishment for someone who hates Christmas, but now I’m getting a little off track. Santa carries the sack while forcing a small rabbit to also carry presents as large as it is through the snow.

Here’s The Precise Moment Everything Went Downhill.

After forcing that rabbit to haul presents, Santa announces it is time for the first story, Little Girl’s Christmas! I don’t think I’ve heard that one for a long time, if at all, so I’m ready to see this little story play out, but then something strange happens. Someone starts reading a story and we see an image of Santa’s sleigh, led by eight reindeer, flying through the sky.  The visuals aren’t really matching anything we’re hearing, and at first I thought this was some kind of glitch, like the wrong part of the video was playing or the audio was still playing but the visuals had stopped. There was no glitch. This is not an anthology of short films based on classic Christmas stories. There is no video. This is just a series of people reading stories to you, accompanied by nonsensical background images.

My Curiosity Truly Got The Better Of Me.

Now, this happens at like, four minutes in, so at this point I could have shut the “movie” off, said to myself, “This is not a movie, let me find something different,” and moved on. I COULD have done that, but at this point I was curious to see just how deep the rabbit hole goes. I had to know if there is anything else remotely cinematic that happens in this so called film. I wanted a bad Christmas movie, and for my sins I was given one. Or a bad Christmas pseudo-audiobook. Either way it isn’t great.

Little Girl’s Possibly Real Story.

Should I even talk about the stories themselves? I mean, they’re all classic Christmas tales, the first being Little Girl’s Christmas, a story about a girl who wants to meet Santa. She meets Santa. Then maybe it was a dream? There’s nothing really to talk about here except how distracting it was that the little girl doesn’t have a name and is referred to as “Little Girl” the whole time, like that’s what she legally had her name changed to, or she could just have the laziest parents on Earth. “Hey, Wife, what should we name our daughter?” “I dunno, you think of a name for the little girl.” “Little Girl? Good enough for me.” They were about as creative as the people who made this movie.

Santa’s Confusing Verbiage.

After that joyous story ends we get a lovely intermission of Santa running and shouting to himself, “I’m in a rush to get these presents to a chimney before midnight!” Which is such a baffling statement that I have to slowly unpack it here. I know you’re in a rush Santa, I can see you running, you don’t need to announce it. Why are you bringing the presents to ‘a chimney’? Shouldn’t you be bringing them to a house or maybe a Christmas tree? Are you chucking these things down chimneys instead of delivering them properly? And lastly, why before midnight? Is this some kind of self imposed challenge? Or are these kids getting up at 12:01AM and their belief in Santa will be shattered if these presents aren’t out on time? Sorry, that was just such a wrong sentence I had to go at it word by word.

Santa Forgets How To Santa.

Santa then jumps on a rooftop, WITHOUT HIS SACK OF PRESENTS, and hops into the chimney, getting stuck instantly. Santa mutters that these chimneys get smaller every year, and maybe that’s true OR maybe Santa needs to take some lessons from Kurt Russell Santa and get in shape. He laughs a bit to himself and pulls out a present, from the ether I suppose because he isn’t holding a sack of gifts, and then shoots down the chimney, dropping the present and leaving it on top of the chimney! Santa, you need to bring that down! That’s the whole point of this trip! You aren’t delivering yourself to these children…at least I hope you aren’t.

The Exciting Adventures of Fir Trees.

Santa quickly begins the next story, “The Fir Tree,” a story about a fir tree who is not satisfied with anything in life. The fir tree doesn’t like being a small young tree. The fir tree doesn’t like being an older larger fir tree. The fir tree briefly enjoys being cut down and turned into a Christmas tree, except for the parts where his branches got burned by the candles they put on him. The fir tree definitely didn’t enjoy being thrown into the attic and left to yellow and whither and get made fun of by rats who think he can’t tell good stories. But even that was better than being thrown out in the garden so it could be chopped up and burned by the neighborhood children. Moral of the story? Being a fir tree sucks. Next segment.

Santa’s Horrible Elf And Gingermen Friends!

Santa’s back, kids! Back with a horrifying elf goblin helper.

Oh boy. It’s time for the gingerbread men to dance for us. And they dance, and they dance and they dance. They dance for what seems like an eternity. They are slaves to the rhythm and cannot stop dancing, no matter how much they long for the sweet embrace of death to release them from their gingerbread prisons. The same vaguely upbeat Christmas beat drones on and on, forcing their cookie limbs to pop and lock against their will, driving them even further into their yuletide madness. I know not what horrible atrocities these gingerbread men committed to be punished like this, but their actions must have been horrendous. The dancing lasted a full THREE AND A HALF MINUTES. I pray that the gingerbread men are someday allowed to stop dancing.

Of Tin Men And Tolls.

TIME FOR THE STORY OF THE TIN SOLDIER. This one legged Tin soldier falls in love with a beautiful dancing paper doll. Apparently they’re all sentient? Anyway, at a toy party that night, the soldier and the dancer are awkwardly standing around, when a little black goblin jumped out and told the soldier that he has no chance at getting with the paper doll lady. Then the tin soldier fell out of a window and was placed in a newspaper boat by some passing boys. He gets washed into the drain where he met the scariest creature that could possibly dwell there, no, not Pennywise the clown, but a rat demanding a toll for the use of the drain. The soldier gripped his musket and did nothing. Doing nothing really paid off for this soldier, because a series of contrived events brought him back home through no effort of his own. Then a child threw him into the stove and he died, and at the last second a draft of air carried the paper doll he loved into the stove with him, and they died together. What a cheery Christmas tale!

Santa Has Some Weird Standards For Holiday Cheer.

Santa agrees, as he reads the final lines of the last story and declares how much he loves happy endings! Not to disagree with you, big guy, but, maybe a happier ending would involve either of these two people being alive? Ah, whatever. Santa is too busy checking his email, which is from Kate (no last name given) and reads “Hello Santa! I am waiting for my gift = ) ,” and Santa exclaims, “I better get her a present, stat!” Santa, I’m not trying to tell you how to do your job, but should you really reward this level of passive aggression? Kate should wait for her present like everyone else, goddamnit! My problems don’t end there though, because Santa jumps into his sleigh, which moves with no reindeer pulling it, and takes off, like he’s making a delivery. Are you just bringing a present for Kate? What about the other kids??? Do they get nothing because they didn’t have your personal email address?

Oh, This Story Is Pretty Okay. Moving Right Along.

Time for the elves and the shoemaker. The classic tale of how even good and hardworking people will inevitably be destroyed by capitalism and the march of time. That is until the elves did his job better than he did and helped him out of that jam. This is actually a pretty nice story about a nice couple who are helped by some elves when they’re going through hard times. Good on ya, Elves, you’re alright in my book. Just try and keep Santa on the straight and narrow, alright? I think he’s getting a little senile in his old age what with his declarations of murder-suicides as ‘happy endings’.

Fred! Also, Child Death.

Santa returns to introduce the next story, calling on his pal, Fred, to help. I assumed Fred would be an elf. I was wrong. Fred is a giant blue pickle with arms and legs. Fred kind of scares me. Thankfully, Santa sends Fred outside to go up to the ice and snow covered roof to plug in the Christmas lights and introduce our next story, the ‘little match girl’. Well, unlike the girl from the first story, at least this one has something close to a name, even if it’s only what she’s forced to sell by her abusive father. Oh no, is that a spoiler? Too bad, the little match girl is a story about a girl who is forced to sell matches in the streets at the height of winter and she gets beaten if she doesn’t make enough sales. And the story ends with her DYING OF EXPOSURE IN THE STREETS. But it’s fine because she went to heaven. What a charming Christmas story!

We’re Done Right? Right???

Well that’s the last story. And we’re only 59 minutes in? That’s weird, is there another Santa skit? Um…no, nothing is happening, I’m just seeing pictures of unrelated stuff like candles, snow covered houses and such with instrumental Christmas music. Oh my god. It’s not even an audiobook anymore. This is just a collection of Christmas themed images with light music in the background that might not even be Christmas music! This is the most desperate attempt to get a production to feature length that I’ve ever seen! And it still doesn’t hit feature length! Don’t worry though, the Christmas carols start up at around the one hour five minute mark! In case you were curious! We finally have words! Finally, when there’s just about one minute left, Santa shows up with his sleigh, sans reindeer of course, says he hopes you had a great time and flies away.

Why Did I Do This To Myself?

I know it wasn’t a question, Santa, but I certainly did not have a great time. If you’ve been following along I’m sure you know as well as I do that this “movie” is one of the worst excuses for entertainment I’ve ever seen. Why this is a movie and not a series of audiobooks could only be chalked up to an attempt to fleece Hulu out of some cash when parents start the movie and then a few minutes later stop it, as they realize there is nothing to be gained by watching it, for anyone. And just to be clear, I watched the WHOLE THING, start to finish, all dead air included. I really want to know if anyone else alive, including the group who made this movie, have ever sat down and watched it from start to finish. I pray no one else has had to suffer through this like I did. Please don’t watch it.

The images used herein do not belong to me and are the property of their copyright holders.

Tags: A Frozen ChristmasChristmasGarbage