The Dog Days of Winter

On to the 2nd review for the Dog Days of Summer! After careful consideration of the myriad horrible looking dog films available, I settled on A Doggone Christmas, because it combines the two most wonderful schlock film genres:  Dogsploitation and Christmassploitation.

When you read the title A Doggone Christmas, what sort of plot does this bring to mind? Perhaps a play on ‘Doggone’ that involves a dognapping around christmastime? Maybe a tender family film about the pressures of christmas from the perspective of a dog? Well sit your ass down and get ready because here is the real plot!

Dashing through the snow

A telepathic dog escapes from a science lab by train and is found by two young brothers who decide to help the dog evade its FBI pursuers. Coincidentally, it is a few days before Christmas, but I don’t believe that for reasons I will elaborate on later.

So, this light sci-fi film about a dog who is telepathic (for some reason?), begins with the dog on a train that also has a government-run science lab. We learn that the dog is being transported to an army facility (for some reason?) and that these government agents are incredibly incompetent. The lead FBI escort enters the lab to speak to the doctor about how horrible and unethical it is for them to run tests on and study a telepathic creature. Finally, the voice of reason.

During this exchange,  the door is conveniently left open so that when the train rocks (slightly) the pet carrier holding the dog bursts open and the dog runs out into the other train cars. The dog expertly avoids the bumbling FBI agents (he is telepathic after all) and leaps off the train car into the snow, because it is christmastime you see.

Peddling Christmas

Okay so let’s get back to me not believing it is christmastime. In the opening scenes we see snow to set the mood and establish christmas. As soon as the dog leaves the train and wanders off to meet the horrible child actors, there is no more snow in the entire movie. Not only that, but there is a scene where children are playing baseball in beautiful blooming meadows and are wearing no clothing items that would indicate that it is at all cold out. It is really, really obvious that they filmed this during the spring/summer because filming then is cheaper and are just saying its December. This is especially noticeable because at one point a car has an Indiana license plate and Indiana gets pretty damn cold in the winter.

Why the FBI will tase your pets

So back to the kids. They hide the dog from the family because their parents say they can’t get a pet. Standard shenanigans ensue. During a horrible green screened scene the head of the FBI calls bumbling FBI guys and informs them that because they are sending in an agent who can get things done.

Bumbling FBI man informs his compatriots that the agent being sent has a bad attitude and “will do anything to get the job done”. So then the dastardly Agent Sharpe arrives, and her first plan to catch this dog involves using a surveillance drone that has a Taser on it. It isn’t a terribly good plan, for many reasons.

The plan fails because Bumbling FBI guy thinks, somewhat reasonably, that tasing a tiny dog and/or a group of children might not be the best way to go about recovering the dog unharmed and foils the plan.

Don’t get into bed with Dirty Harry… or people who impersonate his brother

The movie proceeds, with several strange movie references being made, specifically at one point the agents go to a school to speak with a principal whose last name is Callahan and is a Clint Eastwood impersonator. This character is heavily implied to be the brother of Harry Callahan of the ‘Dirty Harry’ films. A very odd reference given the difference of genres, but I guess I can’t really be surprised that the director of such films as The Hills Have Thighs and The Bare Wench Project would bring up an adult reference in a movie like this.

And thus, with a WOOF, I die

The film ends with the dog faking his own death (via high explosives that he somehow found and operated without thumbs) in order to get the FBI off his trail and then he goes on to enjoy christmas with his new family. That’s the only other christmas aspect to the film. It was completely tacked on just so they could sell this as a christmas film.

This isn’t the worst thing I’ve watched. The acting is all around terrible as are the weird green screen effects that show up surprisingly often, but there is some clever dialogue and it was funny to see Agent Sharpe really ham it up as the cutthroat FBI agent. But if you love terrible dog movies with bizarre plots then this is the movie for you! Also the dog is a Jack Russel Terrier. Cute