Blood Freak (1972)

Directed by Brad F. Grinter & Steve Hawkes

Viewed on Amazon Prime

 

Summary: A cool Vietnam vet learns the dangers of drugs after turning into a Turkey headed monster in this bizarre, trippy and gory horror flick.

 

Thank you for joining me for the first review in the Thanksgiving series! Now, there aren’t as many Thanksgiving-centered movies as there are Halloween or Christmas, but the ones that do exist are pretty special. The one I’m talking about today might not technically take place on Thanksgiving, but it does involve turkeys. Specifically, a guy turns into a turkey-man hybrid after an experiment goes awry, and I figured that the turkey connection would be enough to make this a good first course for our Thanksgiving feast of terrible films.. The charms of the film don’t end there, but I’ll reveal those in due time, so sit back and get ready, because Blood Freak is about to happen.

Every Movie Should Start With The Director Explaining How Change Happens, Right?

After an odd opening sequence that for some reason shows a bubbling red pond, we cut to an incredibly disinterested man explaining something to us. I don’t really know WHAT he is explaining to us, because his explanations are incredibly vague descriptions of how much the world is changing, and how we could meet someone who could change our lives at any moment. Gee, thanks man, I would have never realized that is how nearly every story happens in fiction: something changes and then you have to deal with the fallout of that change. Is this a generic story introduction or the first class of a Literature 101 course? Really, the point of these segments, and there are more of these later, is to try and get the movie to eighty minutes. And no, they do not succeed but they come very close.

 

Also he is visibly reading his lines. They were too complex to memorize.

 

Hershel’s Very Important Turnpike Driving.

He does introduce Herschel though, a cool dude riding his motorcycle down the Florida turnpike. Hershel spots a woman pulling over to the side of the road and stops himself, talking with her about something. I don’t know what they’re talking about because the dialogue isn’t audible. They speak for a moment and drive off together, never explaining to the viewer WHY either of them pulled over or if something was wrong with the car. Then we just get some lovely footage of Hershel drivin down the turnpike. Stopping to pay a toll, having a laugh with the toll booth operator. All vital things.

 

Drugs? God? Eh, We’ll Figure It Out.

Then we find ourselves at a party where people are drinking small cups of orange juice and snorting drugs. I guess the OJ/cocaine combo would get you right up in the mornings! Herschel and his new lady friend talk about drugs and how they don’t approve of their use, with Herschel immediately passing on a joint offered to him. The woman who offered him the drugs is the sister of the initial woman, with them having diametrically opposed stances on religion and drug use. Also, all the women here find Herschel irresistible, which I guess makes sense because Herschel is very attractive by the standards of the early 1970s.

 

Maybe they’re all into the Elvis look he has going on?

 

Why Do These Women Share A House If They Disagree About Drug Parties?

After a woman’s advances are rejected, she complains to her boyfriend and he concocts a plan. While they’re scheming, we get a few more wonderful scenes of lady from turnpike, whose name I don’t think has been said out loud yet, and her drug-pushing sister sparring over the merits of religion vs. getting high. That happens in every scene they are in together, and they even get Herschel into the mix, giving him Bible passages to read. Look Herschel, I know that you don’t smoke pot, but if one side of the party is laughing and having a good time and the other is reading Bible passages, then maybe it would be more fun to just drink the OJ, pass on the drugs and make some witty banter. I know which one I’d rather be doing.

 

This place looks pretty wild Hersch, better stick with Sunday school.

 

The Fallout Of Herschel’s Romantic Choices.

The two sisters have a probably very typical conversation about religion vs. drugs when the drug lady and her boyfriend/dealer reveals their plan to get even with Herschel. They plan to slip him drugs to get him hooked! Because that is a reasonable way to deal with someone not wanting to have sex with your girlfriend. Herschel has to weigh his options and who else is here to help but the Change guy, who suddenly reappears to explain everything that has happened at the party and how Herschel now has to choose between these two women for some reason. And no, he doesn’t say ANYTHING that we didn’t already know about any of these characters. Except that he just casually drops that Herschel is a Vietnam veteran, which is far more interesting than anything else we know about him and is glossed over.

 

I think this guy might have gotten that cigarette from the OJ party if you get my meaning…

 

Herschel Gets A Job And Succumbs To Horrible Drugweed.

In the Bible study corner an old man asks Herschel, “what are your plans and problems?” Which seems like something you should build up to in a conversation and not lead with but Herschel takes it in stride, mentioning that he is looking for work. The old man instantly offers Herschel a job as being a farm hand at his poultry ranch, which was pretty cool of him. Man, they were just handing out jobs back then. Cut to Herschel by a pool for some reason, where the drug sister tries to seduce him and offer him drugs. Some guys have all the luck. Then drug sister starts negging Herschel, which gets his attention, she seizes the opportunity and pulls out the special joint, which Herschel refuses at first. Having spotted his one weakness though, this lady knows what she must do to break his resistance. She calls him a coward and he instantly pulls the joint out of her hand and takes a puff, dooming himself to a life of horrible drug abuse.

 

Your fragile masculinity has been your undoing, Herschel!

 

There’s That Progressive Early 70’s Message I Was Waiting For!

Now under the influence, Herschel is easily seduced, playing right into the plan to…get him high and then have sex with him? Was that the plan? The whole plan? So we get a wonderful and necessary for the story sex scene that totally isn’t there to pad the run-time when we are rudely interrupted by Change man. Change man informs us that any man who does not want to have sex with an attractive woman is ‘less of a man than Herschel,’ which, firstly is a wonderful and not at all incredibly dated message, and secondly, how does Change man know all these things? Can he see them having sex? Is Change man God? I really really hope not.

 

Thanks for the progressive message, you omniscient jackass.

 

Herschel’s Predilection For Poultry Poking.

Herschel quickly makes his post-coital getaway, needing to get to his first day of work at the poultry farm. Herschel rides over, accompanied by some great Florida driving funk music. After getting there he just leaves his bike outside the fence and walks into the farm, spending a good amount of time looking at turkeys, who are constantly gobbling. Also he starts poking them. Maybe Herschel should have disclosed to this turkey farmer that he was a recovering turkey poker before accepting a job at a turkey farm?

 

Oh, that’s the good stuff.

 

Doing Drugs Leads To Being A Guinea Pig.

Herschel is brought around on a tour and eventually ends up in the science lab. Wait, why does this poultry farm have a science lab? Is that a normal thing in Florida? Herschel gets left in the lab to do their odd jobs and gets roped into helping with their experiments on poultry. Even though he would just have to eat the meat of a turkey that has been experimented on, Herschel is a bit wary. These scientists are crafty though, sweetening the deal with offers of extra money and some drugs. Herschel can’t say no, because he is totally hooked on pot and everyone knows it. Before we get to Herschel consuming this turkey that will totally not turn him into a turkey monster, we have to see a montage of him doing work around the farm. Because how would we know he worked there if we didn’t actually see it?

 

The Dangers of Marijuana Withdrawal.

Herschel gets back to the drug house and staggers around, clearly going through horrible marijuana withdrawal. Now, some of you may have figured this out, but the best thing about this film is that it is an unironic anti-drug PSA. Herschel going into withdrawal from a single joint is played totally straight and treated as a crisis by the people who were snorting coke the night before. I don’t mean to laugh at others’ misfortune, but seeing Herschel desperately trying to smoke an unlit joint is one of the funniest things I have ever seen. Particularly because the evil drug dealer is standing a few feet behind him, savoring all the damage his plan has caused.

 

That’ll teach you to reject the sexual advances of my girlfriend, Herschel.

 

Herschel Gets The Punchies. Then He Gets The Munchies.

Herschel immediately realizes he is hooked on drugs, and like all pot smokers, he gets violent, threatening the drug dealer should he not keep the pot coming. This scene ends rather abruptly, and Herschel begins his next day at work by eating a huge amount of experimental turkey meat. Oh, and while this is happening stock gobbles are continually played. Because we need to be reminded that turkeys are around. There is a long montage of Herschel eating and turkeys prancing around their pens. Because hitting eighty minutes is hard when there is as little plot as this. Herschel immediately collapses and starts convulsing in a bush.

 

I heard turkey is supposed to make you sleepy, but this is ridiculous.

 

Herschel Has A Rough Day.

Upon finding Herschel’s collapsed body, the scientists make the wise decision to bring him to a hospital and study his condition. Nah I’m just messing with you, they throw his body in a ditch. The owner of the farm, rightfully, starts railing into the scientists for this horrible decision, pointing out that this could result in murder charges against all of them or that Herschel could wake up and then realize that he was abandoned instead of being taken to a hospital. The lab workers have no answer to these accusations, and we cut to drug lady hanging out with a different drug dealer guy lamenting that Herschel has not returned home yet. Herschel awakens and lurches about, making his way back to the drug house, now having his head transformed into that of a giant monster turkey’s.

 

Maybe this is why you shouldn’t immediately show the mask in full light?

 

Herschel Returns A Changed Turkey-Man. His Hunger For Marijuana Remains.

Herschel shockingly retains enough of his faculties to write a note for drug lady so that she knows this horrid monster is the man she seduced and got addicted to pot. Herschel has more problems than just being a turkey man though, because he is still addicted to pot and demands more. Drug lady monologues about how sad the situation is and how she has a “guilty feeling” that she caused all of this. THC combined with the experimental turkey meat and transformed Herschel. I can’t believe that is the plot to this movie. She then wonders what kind of life she and Herschel would have together if they got married and had kids. Christ lady, deal with the current problems now and leave that for later. Also Herschel turns off the lights and initiates a sex scene that I am very thankful I cannot see.

 

Herschel Reveals His Horrid Visage. No One Cares.

After Herschel turns away religious lady’s help (I guess thoughts and prayers can’t help anyone even in propaganda films) the new drug dealers converge on the drug house to discuss Herschel’s condition. Herschel comes out and even though we see his head in full light, we never see anyone else’s reaction to this change. Did that footage get lost? Did they not film it? Instead, we just see Herschel wander through the woods and peep in someone’s house. Watching these people shoot heroin, Herschel follows them outside and kidnaps the lady, who doesn’t make a sound as she is picked up and carried away by a turkey man.

 

Maybe she just thinks it is a hallucination? 

 

Oh, Herschel Just Starts Killing People.

The drug dealers mull over how they can get a new supply to meet Herschel’s needs, which have apparently grown with his monstrous transformation. Herschel begins feeding his drug habits by kidnapping people right after they’ve done drugs and draining/drinking their blood so he can get high off that. And no, there isn’t an escalation here, Herschel doesn’t try anything else before this, he just goes right to murder and blood drinking. The next five minutes of the movie are just scenes of Herschel finding people doing drugs and waiting for them to finish up before killing and consuming them. I never thought I would see a movie where scenes of a turkey monster drinking people’s blood to feed his drug habit would be used as padding.

 

These colors don’t run. Except red. With blood.

 

I Was Never More Happy For A Turkey Headed Monster To Show Up.

Once that’s over, we get an entirely new plot to the film in the last twenty minutes! The original drug dealer returns and tries to broker a deal with a guy we’ve never met before, who I think is a drug wholesaler. They have riveting dialogue about how much money the drug dealer owes to the drug wholesaler and in order to sweeten the deal our heroic drug dealer tells the wholesaler that as part of his payment he can rape drug lady. Goody. The drug wholesaler begins his attempt in earnest but is thankfully stopped by Herschel who returns just in time to chase the guy away, down an alley and into a warehouse. I think that’s what happened. The editing is a bit odd.

 

Herschel Finally Murders Someone For The Right Reasons.

Herschel follows this guy in, stalking and attacking him which knocks the wholesaler unconscious. Herschel takes this opportunity to set up the most brutal kill in the whole movie, dragging him over to a band-saw and cutting off his right foot at the ankle. Blood loss and shock eventually kill the guy but before that we get almost a full minute of him convulsing and screaming.  The effects here are pretty much the best in the movie but even then there are some slip ups.

 

This guy had a hollow calf I suppose.

 

Herschel On The Verge Of Death, Then Things Get Weird.

Herschel staggers off into the woods, wounded during his previous encounters and probably tripping really hard. Then things start to get a little surreal where we see a machete strike from Herschel’s POV but instead of beheading him, it beheads a regular turkey, which convulses and bleeds out. I think that was a real turkey, their effects are not good enough to simulate this turkey killing. Then we cut to a table where Herschel’s turkey head is placed on a platter next to a cooked turkey that then gets torn apart by a group of people with their bare hands. Okay, that’s weird but at least it’s the end, right? No. We never had an obvious enough anti-drug message.

 

Classic Endings and Mixed Messages.

So Herschel WAKES UP and realizes that it was a DREAM THE WHOLE TIME. Herschel realizes he needs to get clean, goes to a detox center (for ONE joint) and then lives happily ever after with drug lady because she also gets clean off-screen! How does Herschel get better you ask? Prayer, of course! And we also get the final appearance of Change guy who reaffirms the awfulness of “chemicals” while smoking a cigarette and coughing audibly. I guess that’s supposed to be satirical? Anyway, that’s it, Herschel and drug lady meet on a boardwalk and everything turns out great, the end!

 

The Real Horror Was The Silly PSAs.

This one was special. I hope this movie was Thanksgivingy enough to satisfy your tastes, and if it wasn’t, then there was at least a terrible monster plot that could give you some solace. Of course, this is one of the worst movies I’ve seen in a long time, but all the weird elements of anti-drug propaganda, religious propaganda and misunderstandings of how drug use affects the body all add up to a really entertaining movie, the monster movie version of the infamous anti-pot film, Reefer Madness. It isn’t always funnybad, there are some stretches where not a lot is happening, but the overall presentation is enough to keep it amusing. I would definitely recommend watching this one, it is right now available on Youtube so you could just check it out there or on Amazon Prime. This might be just the movie to lull you into that Thanksgiving power nap after you consume a week’s worth of calories in one sitting!