Monthly Archive: October 2021

Lamb (2021)

Directed by Valdimar Jóhannsson

One of the first Icelandic horror movies I’ve seen, Lamb came stateside courtesy of A24, every film nerd’s favorite artsy film producers. I’ve been looking forward to Lamb for a long time, its trailer was phenomenal with a premise that tickled my body horror loving heart; on a farm in Iceland a couple finds that one of their sheep has given birth to an odd creature, a baby with the head of a lamb but the body of a human child. Because of the weird state of theaters right now, and how busy I am generally, I almost wasn’t able to see this in a theater, but luckily I managed to sneak in at the last moment and see it before it went streaming. My experience was unfortunately a tad bittersweet though. I was happy I got to see it in the theater, but this is the first A24 movie that left me kind of disappointed.

That’s not to say Lamb is a bad movie. There’s a lot about it that works, good cinematography, great performances from the leads, Noomi Rapace and Hilmir Snær Guðnason, a great premise, and an ending that I liked the concept of quite a lot. Lamb plays much more like a modern fantasy film with a dark edge than a horror movie, and while I appreciate the courage it takes to make a non-standard modern fantasy, Lamb was 100% marketed as a horror movie. There is a lot of atmosphere present and Lamb does make for a mesmerizing and kind of spooky viewing, but not nearly enough happens for my taste. If you’re really into other A24 releases then you may get more out of Lamb than I did, but most others probably won’t get too much out of Lamb. This is coming to VoD soon but if anything I said above makes you iffy then give it a pass or wait for it to hit a streaming service you’re already subscribed to.

Directed by John Erick Dowdle

True Crime is huge these days. I don’t personally understand the appeal, but loads of people love listening to podcasts about real people committing real atrocities on hapless victims. Sure, Jason hacks people up with a machete and Michael Myers has his infamous kitchen knife, but there’s always that element of cartoonishness that separates slasher movies from real life serial killers. That element, and the line that separates slashers and serial killers, is blurred expertly by The Poughkeepsie Tapes, a found footage movie about a fictional serial killer operating in the Poughkeepsie area. Presented as a documentary, this film blends segments of reporters, FBI personnel, and local law enforcement with footage found to have been filmed by the killer. I think this goes without saying The Poughkeepsie Tapes is an excessively triggering movie, and the level of violence, depravity, and straight up cruelty is pretty sick. 

That all being said, The Poughkeepsie Tapes is never as graphic as I was thinking it might be. There are moments of extreme violence and cruelty, but the sheer levels of depravity and evil that this film is capable of are smartly offscreen, alluded to by interviewees or seen after the fact. This helps keep the gritty realism that’s key to The Poughkeepsie Tapes’ success, even when kind of absurd things are happening on-screen there’s always that pull back that keeps things grounded. Unfortunately, there are moments when this reality begins to crumble, this may be more obvious to people who are really into True Crime but even I was able to catch some things that were definitely incorrect about procedure, particularly the ‘you need to wait 24 hours to report someone missing’ thing that gets brought up in the silliest way possible. Those moments weren’t enough to keep me out though as the quality performances and disturbing imagery more than made up for these flubs. I would recommend The Poughkeepsie Tapes so long as you know what you are getting into. This movie is cruel, disgusting, and vile, but it was the change of pace I needed from all the middle of the road stuff I’ve seen lately.

Grave Halloween (2013)

Directed by Steven R. Monroe

More than a decade after she’s sent away from her home country of Japan and adopted, Maiko takes a trip out to the famous Aokigahara Forest, also known as the Suicide Forest for you non-weebs, to try to find the site where her mother killed herself, and bring her spirit to rest. Joining her is her cadre of friends from the Yamanashi International University, who are there so this story explicitly set in Japan and concerning Japanese spiritual customs can have a mostly white cast, that all join Maiko so they can turn her personal tragic story into a good grade for a video project they’re making for class. What’s the project about? Why would the professor accept this given that filming in the Suicide Forest is illegal? Why would Maiko agree to put her personal trauma on display for this video? Here’s an answer for you; so the movie could happen. Anyway, it’s very important for Maiko to complete a segaki, which is a really real Buddhist ritual that calms the restless dead, and Maiko is determined to finish it this year, as coincidentally the ritual takes place on Halloween night this year.

Unless you’ve already googled this and spoiled the surprise, which anyone can do and could have done at the time, I bet you’re wondering if the annual segaki ritual fell on October 31st that year. The answer is no. Interestingly, the segaki ritual can be performed at any time during the year, but there is a special annual ritual held, typically between the end of July and the beginning of September. There is no connection whatsoever between this and Halloween, and Halloween is mentioned maybe once in this movie, just so they could put it in the title and have this movie come up when well meaning lovers of Halloween horror type in ‘Halloween’ on a streaming site. It is a blatant lie told by desperate filmmakers to try to dishonestly get views on a movie no one would want to watch for any other reason. It’s downright disrespectful, which is ironic given that the plot of the movie is about disrespecting the dead in the Suicide Forest.

But I can understand why they would want to trick people, because Grave Halloween has nothing else going for it except ripping off better horror movies. They’re lost in the creepy shifting woods so it’s like the Blair Witch Project but shittier. There’s invisible monsters and vine-like things attacking you, so it’s like the Evil Dead but shittier. There’s a spooky mystery involving a creepy long haired ghost so it’s like a  lot of Japanese horror movies but shittier. The only thing Grave Halloween has going for it is that it is prime riffing material, the kind of movie that you can heckle and throw beer bottles at the screen (preferably if you’re projecting it on a wall) and feel content in the knowledge that you didn’t make this movie. To be fair, I will say two positive things about Grave Halloween. The ending plot twist is a good idea but not executed properly, and also the actors are all trying their best but can’t get past the awful lines they’re forced to read. These people all deserved better than Grave Halloween.

Halloween Kills (2021)

Directed by David Gordon Green

Halloween Kills is, by the strictest legal definition alone, a movie. I could end this review right here, but I’ll keep going to satisfy my own need for revenge against this movie that held me captive in a theatre for what felt like three full hours. The “story” of Halloween Kills takes place mere moments after the events of 2018’s Halloween reboot, with the Strode family women riding away from the flaming wreckage of a house containing the now quite injured Michael Myers. Michael of course escapes and continues sowing havoc throughout the town, while Laurie Strode sits in a hospital bed for 90% of her screen time. People are killed. Flashbacks are had. Everyone talks about how evil Michael Myers is and how he’s terrorized this town for too long and how it’s all gonna be over now and evil dies tonight. Every single scene has some variation of that last sentence, and nothing else happens for the entirety of the runtime that advances the metaplot of the new Halloween trilogy in any meaningful way. And spoilers, but they DON’T KILL MICHAEL MYERS BECAUSE HOW COULD THEY?!? THERE’S ANOTHER MOVIE COMING OUT!

Look, we all know that 1978’s Halloween is a great movie. It revolutionized horror and is a shining beacon of what independent cinema can become. But I already knew that, and I bet you did too. So there isn’t any reason for there to be a big flashback at the beginning of Halloween Kills showing the events of 1978 but from a slightly different perspective, or for a character to explain to the camera exactly what happened that night in the scene directly thereafter, or for people to be constantly talking about what happened that night. If you’re making a point about how collective trauma can affect a town or generation then sure, that’s a reasonable sequence. You establish what happened and deep delve into the long term repercussions of one night of terror. But that isn’t what happens at all. There’s one sequence in the movie where it seems like they’re trying to tackle an actual plot, but as quickly as it starts up, that sequence ends, without changing anything. 

It may sound harsh but there isn’t any reason for Halloween Kills to exist. It feels more like a fan film made by a millionaire than any kind of addition to the Halloween canon, and I know at this point that there have been a lot of movies in the Halloween series that weren’t very good, but Halloween 2018 erased them! You got rid of all the bad ones (and some good ones), so why are you adding more bad movies to the series? If you don’t have an idea for what’s supposed to happen between the reboot and the ending of the Laurie Strode-Michael Myers saga, then how about you just make two movies, one that reestablishes the characters, and one that dives deep and finishes off the plot. Halloween Kills exists only to take your money and that makes me mad, and it should make YOU mad. 

Viy (1967)

Directed by Konstantin Yershov & Georgi Kropachyov

When a seminary in Kiev lets the rambunctious students out for a vacation, they waste no time in getting into all sorts of mischief in town as they scatter to the four winds. A few of these students end up at an old farmhouse, beseeching the elderly farmer for food and shelter, offering spiritual rewards for these services. After a series of bizarre happenings at the farmhouse, the holy man in training, Khoma, flees into night, returning to his seminary but called back by a wealthy noble who reveals that his daughter’s dying wish was to have Khoma, who she mentioned by name, watch over her dead body and pray for her for three nights. Leaning more towards dark fantasy or fairy tale than pure horror, this is nonetheless a fascinating film, reportedly the first Soviet horror movie produced!

I had heard very little about Viy, picking it on a whim for its short length more than anything, and I was surprised by exactly how perfect this is for a spooky watch! Many of Viy’s effects are dated, which is to be expected considering it is more than fifty years old, but there’s an ambition to Viy that’s so charming I can’t help but love even the janky looking rear screen projections. Viy drips with imagination and eagerness, an earnest attempt to tell a story that’s half morality play and half campfire tale, one that kept me guessing as to what wild thing I was going to see next and delighted me with its strangeness. Sure, the dub is meh and the story is very simple, but Viy has a sense of wonder and fun that fans of strange cinema will enjoy.

The Batman vs. Dracula (2005)

Directed by Michael Goguen

After a wild and crazy weekend of partying I decided to take a relaxing day to tone things down and go with some lighter fare. I started out watching Casper: A Spirited Beginning, but that was so unrelentingly dull and formulaic that I can’t even bring myself to spend any more brain-power to make fun of it, and I wound up taking a look at The Batman vs. Dracula. I’ve been a fan of a lot of the animated Batman content I’ve seen, Batman: The Animated Series is a classic, and Batman Beyond is an underappreciated gem, but I wasn’t too familiar with The Batman, which was admittedly a little after my time. Maybe I should go back and give it a chance, because The Batman vs. Dracula was surprisingly good.

It’s always convenient when the title of a thing describes the plot completely, and that’s exactly what happens here; Dracula is awoken in Gotham City and Batman has to fight him. Sure, there’s a little plot about Dracula turning people into vampire slaves, and a bit at the beginning with Joker and Penguin, but the meat of this is that Batman has to fight Dracula, and all of that works for me. I always enjoy Bat-media that embraces Batman’s weird adversaries, and Dracula fits pretty well with the whole Bat-mythos, providing a neat villain that has some fun fights, even with a predictable conclusion. Generally, the visuals here are fine, nothing groundbreaking but not a bad faux-gothic look, and this did get a lot more gruesome than I was expecting, which is a big plus. Overall this is a breezy and fun Batman adventure that hits all the basic notes without being spectacular. One thing I will say though, what the hell is up with this Joker design? I have to include a picture of it here because this is probably the worst depiction of the Joker, who also is a martial arts expert for some reason.

There exists in the film world a long list of notoriously bad movies, movies so bad that they have been established as reference points when talking about crappy movies, movies that break boundaries of quality in ways no one thought possible. When you’re talking about terrible monster movies someone will eventually bring up Night of The Lepus as an example of the ‘Worst of the worst’. Is it? Probably not, but it’s certainly in the running. If you’ve never heard of Night of the Lepus, it boasts a star studded cast playing scientists and ranchers trying to control a very real problem, a massive overpopulation of rabbits picking ranch lands clean after ranchers foolishly kill all their predators. In an attempt to stop these rabbits from reproducing, scientists inject a rabbit with an experimental formula, then the rabbit is released into the wild. Then the rabbits get big. Yes, the monster in this movie is ‘giant’ rabbits. I put giant in quotes because really they’re just regular sized rabbits but filmed in close up.

Those of you who haven’t seen this movie might be saying, ‘hey you love bad movies, isn’t a bad movie with a silly monster a good thing?’ Bad movies are great. Silly monsters are great. You know what’s not great? Boring movies. Movies where characters shuffle from scene to scene reading dull lines like they’re trying to avoid falling asleep. Movies where the ‘horrible dismembered bodies’ are just 1 second shots of actors covered in red paint. Movies that tell you exactly what is going to happen and then show that with no style or flair. Movies that just end with no exciting climax. Night of the Lepus is that movie. I could barely keep my eyes open watching this, that’s how boring it was. The only enjoyment I got was from the cute miniatures that show up and the score that is admirably trying to make rabbits with ketchup on their faces seem frightening. Night of the Lepus isn’t a ‘so bad it’s good’ movie, Night of the Lepus is an argument against cinema as an art form. And I’m not gonna name names but someone requested I watch this movie. Someone who is now dead to me